By Al Incognito — Minister of Truth, Second Class

I thought satire was dead. Then I read that our Department of Justice for All Who Agree With Us proclaimed that a Maryland father wrongly deported to El Salvador could return to the U.S. — if he shows up at a port of entry.

Sure, Kilmar Abrego Garcia is sitting in a Salvadoran prison, one of those concrete mega-cages built to house MS-13 gang members. But rules are rules. Just crawl through the jungle, swim the Rio Grande, show your ID to the border agent, and say: “Hi, I’ve escaped political limbo and would like to reclaim my civil liberties.”

George Orwell once warned us that truth would become whatever the government said it was. Back then, that sounded dystopian. Now it just sounds like Tuesday — with better branding.

Welcome to 2025, where the dictionary is more endangered than the planet, and reality is being edited by people who think “1984” was a blueprint — not a cautionary tale.

Let’s look at the Orwellian Greatest Hits (2025 edition):

WAR IS PEACE
In Project 2025, Russia isn’t our enemy — it’s a misunderstood business partner. Ukraine? Probably started the war against itself.

FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
Protesting in public? Suspicious. Wearing a mask while protesting? Federal offense. Expressing political views online? Might get you a knock from the Truth Enforcement Squad.

IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH
Schools must stop “indoctrinating” children with dangerous ideas like history, diversity, and science.

DIVERSITY IS DIVISION
DEI programs must be dismantled — not because they’re ineffective, but because they work. Folks not like us were getting jobs.

COMPETENCE IS SUSPICIOUS
Elon Musk is turning Project 2025’s wet dream into reality – reclassifying tens of thousands of federal workers as fireable “at will” employees — so they can be replaced with folks who passed the only test that matters: unwavering loyalty to the Big Guy.

LAW IS LOYALTY
In the Project 2025 era, “law and order” means jailing your enemies, pardoning your allies and ignoring the Supreme Court when it says no. Rule of law is great — as long as the ruler is right.

And if all that sounds too absurd to be true, well… that’s the genius of Trumpspeak. Say the opposite of what is true, say it loudly, say it often — and eventually, someone will believe the dictionary is woke.

Meanwhile, Project 2025 — the conservative blueprint for unmaking democracy in 900 pages or less — reads like a field manual for the Ministry of MAGA, complete with its own Newspeak glossary:

“Personnel is policy”
Translation: Fire everyone who might stop us from doing something illegal. Replace them with true believers and unpaid interns named Connor.

“Restore the rule of law”
Translation: Immunity for our friends, prison for our critics, and a constitutional amendment declaring Trump’s birthday a federal holiday.

“Reclaim traditional values”
Translation: Turn the Department of Education into a Sunday School. Preferably one where books are banned and gym class teaches duck-and-cover drills for satire.

“Streamline government”
Translation: Fire the analysts, shut down the watchdogs, and put one guy named Randy in charge of national cybersecurity. He’ll be fine.

And don’t forget the Ministry of Family Values, where the definition of “parental rights” depends entirely on whether you’re trying to ban a library book or teach your kid that slavery happened.

Of course, no modern dystopia is complete without its Ministry of Information — and in this case, we’ve improved on Orwell’s concept. Why destroy the truth when you can just drown it in AI-generated op-eds, ragebait tweets, and cable news panels moderated by reality-optional hosts.

All of which brings us back to Kilmar Abrego Garcia — the Maryland father imprisoned abroad while our Justice Department insists he’s free to return … if he can just show up.

This is what happens when Big Brother has a combover:

Lies don’t just become truth. They get better hair and a podcast.

BONUS SECTION IF YOU’VE READ THIS FAR

Excerpt from the Ministry of MAGA’s 2025 Newspeak Dictionary

Diversity (n.) — A radical plot to make lunchrooms more interesting.
Freedom (n.) — The ability to agree with leadership.
Truth (n.) — Any statement that includes “many people are saying.”
Socialism (n.) — Anything that helps someone who isn’t you.
Grooming (v.) — Reading books about people who exist.
Election Integrity (n.) — The process of declaring victory first and counting later.
Fake News (n.) — Journalism.
Parent’s Rights (n.) — The right to approve your neighbor’s kid’s curriculum.
Woke (adj.) — A magical word used to ban things without explaining why.

Somewhere, Orwell is spinning in his grave. Probably because he was just reassigned by the Heritage Foundation to write the new civics textbook:

“Freedom Is What We Say It Is: A Patriotic Guide to Obedience.”

(The artificial intelligence program ChatGPT Pro was used to produce this column.)