🎩 “Epstein’s Island: A MAGA Shipwreck”

(sung to the tune of Gilligan’s Island, with bonus commentary by Al InCognito)

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Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale
A tale of a tragic flip,
That started with some Epstein files
And wrecked the MAGA ship.

With Kash Patel and Pam Bondi, too,
And Trump the Skipper bold,
The loyal crew had pledged they’d name
The predators untold.

By Al InCognito, Captain of the Ship of Tools

They said the files were coming. They said the truth would set them free.
Instead, they got stranded on Epstein Island.

For years, Trumpworld kept promising the Big Reveal: the files, the tapes, the takedowns. Jeffrey Epstein was the original QAnon campfire tale — the evil at the center of the liberal universe, the sick proof that only Trump could “drain the swamp” of child-trafficking elites.

The fact that Trump was photographed with Epstein, partied with Epstein, and once praised his taste for “beautiful women… on the younger side”? Minor detail. Surely, his disciples said, that would all be explained — once the files were released.

Except now, they’re not being released. The Department of Justice says there’s no blackmail list, no conspiracy, and no coverup. Just suicide by embarrassment.

So now we find ourselves marooned on an island of conspiracy, in a spit-com starring Trump as the Skipper, Pam Bondi as Ginger, Karoline Leavitt as Mary Ann and Elon Musk as the billionaire with everyone as his wife. There are no Professors on this crew, but there’s an abundance of Gilligans trying to understand what just happened as the MAGA Minnow crashed ashore.

SECOND VERSE

The MAGA crew grew restless fast,
“The list was promised here!”
But all they got was Bondi’s note:
“There’s nothing left to clear.”

No client list, no smoking gun,
No Clintons to arrest …
Now MAGA’s yelling “Deep State lies!”
And Trump’s become the guest.

The Knives Come Out

Bondi – the attorney general hand-picked for this mission – now says there’s nothing to see here. Kash Patel, promoted to FBI chief on the Epstein promise, suddenly finds himself in possession of … nothing. Dan Bongino, a man who once sold brain pills between Epstein rants, is threatening to quit over the lack of credible child-abuse content. (A sentence no one should ever have to write.)

Musk, the richest divorced guy in human history, claimed Trump was in the Epstein files – then deleted the post after getting hit with something even more powerful than the truth: no tax breaks for his Teslas.

Trump himself tried to hand-wave the whole thing away: “Are people still talking about this guy?” he asked, blinking like a man who just saw his own reflection in a cell mirror.

And then, like clockwork, he rage-posted a 12-car pileup of words blaming Obama, Hillary, Biden, JFK, MLK, and the laptop from hell – all for writing the Epstein Files, which he claims don’t exist, but were also faked to hurt him, even though they didn’t, which is why they were hidden.

Still with me?

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THIRD VERSE

Trump screamed of files Obama wrote,
Of Comey’s deep-state sting,
Of JFK and laptop plots
And Hillary’s email thing.

He begged for calm, but Musk said “nah,”
And posted once again:
“Trump said Epstein six damn times –
Release the files, my friend.”

MAGA V. MAGA

What’s truly poetic is this: Trump is now being eaten alive by the very conspiracy he fed. He taught his followers to sniff out child molesters in every shadow — and now they think he is hiding the monsters.

For once, I agree with Michael Flynn: “The Epstein affair is not going away.” Because it never was about Epstein. It was about power, projection, and weaponized paranoia. And let’s not forget that a lot of young people got hurt on this island of the damned as you sing the sad, final lyrics.

EPILOGUE VERSE

So this is the tale of MAGA’s fall,
Of files that went astray,
Of promises and QAnon
All drifting far away.

With Musk and Flynn and Bondi, too,
And Trump who lost the plot,
They searched for proof of others’ sins—
Then realized what they got …

Here on … EP-stein’s Island!

(ChatGPT 4.0 produced the illustration and assisted in writing the column.)