By Stuart Warner and Al InCognito

Donald Trump packed a whole news cycle’s worth of contempt into 48 hours this week.

At a Bloomberg reporter questioning him about the Epstein files, he squealed: “Quiet. Quiet, piggy.”

At ABC’s Mary Bruce, who asked the Saudi crown prince about Jamal Khashoggi’s bonesaw murder, he fumed that she’d posed a “horrible, insubordinate, terrible question.”

And the murder itself? He brushed it aside with a shrug worthy of a man excusing a late FedEx delivery: “Things happen.”

Things happen?

He delivered that line with the jaunty air of a man humming show tunes — you could almost hear Cole Porter in the background, It Was Just One of Those Things, horrified but faintly in rhythm.

Which inspired me to score this week’s headlines in the only key this president seems to understand.

 “JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS (2025 VERSION)”

A Cole Porter Parody for a President Who Thinks Murder Is a Mood

Opening Verse

It was just one of those things,
Just one of those crisp little stings,
A murder was mentioned? He shrugged off the zings—
Just, just, just … one of those things.

She just asked what the Epstein files bring,
A standard reporter-type thing,
But he replied with a flip, feathered fling—
“Quiet, piggy,” he sings.

A reporter called “insubordinate,” too,
Simply for doing her due—
Pressing the prince for an answer he knew—
Just one of those things.

Asked about Saudis and blame,
Trump waved off the whole bloody shame—
“Things happen,” he said, it’s all the same—
It was just a murder-ring.

Counter-Chorus: The Ladies Reply

We’re the ladies he calls “piggy,”
When the questions get too biggy,
When the facts are looking jiggy
And his temper starts to whine.

We’re the dames he calls “insub-’nate,”
For a query he deems too great—
But we’ve filed on worse than room-temp hate,
So darling, we’re doing fine.

If he sneers we’re “not obedient,”
Or our presence “inconvenient,”
We’ll just file it as expedient—
A quote for tomorrow’s lead.

For we learned long ago, sugar,
Nothing rattles like a boor, sugar—
And the truth, when we report, sugar,
Is the only song we need.

Finale

So let’s toast those Oval zings,
Those “terrible person” flings,
When he shrugs off a murder as next to nothing—
It was just one of those things,

Just one of those crazy Trump things.

Trump may think cruelty is performance, timing is policy, and assassination is a housekeeping issue. But there’s nothing musical about a leader who treats reporters as props, women as targets, and murder as a mood.

Cole Porter wrote about romance, regret, and the complicated grace of human folly. Trump offers none of those things — just the easy indifference of power and the shrug of someone who believes accountability is for other people.

And yet he’s right about one thing:

Things do happen. Especially when leaders forget that words have consequences — and voters decide they’ve had just about enough of this particular song

(ChatGPT-5 contributed to the editing of this column and created the illustration.)