By Al InCognito, Minister of Truth (and Satire)
The latest episode of the Trump Terrors involves a government whistleblower named Daniel Berulis, an IT staffer at the National Labor Relations Board (NLRB). According to Trump’s least favorite Rhodes Scholar, Rachel Maddow, and the likely soon-to-be-banned news service Reuters, Berulis says he has evidence that Elon Musk’s tech team was granted sweeping access to sensitive case files.
Then it gets weird.
Berulis received a threatening note taped to his door — complete with drone surveillance stills of him walking his dog and private info only someone deep inside the system could know. In other words: the kind of thing that happens right before George Clooney shows up in a wool coat with a USB drive and a thousand-yard stare. In fact, as Al’s Pal Jeff from Texas suggested, it does sound like a Clooney movie.
So, by George, I thought, why not make it one?
“The Heist Bureau”
Written and directed by George Clooney
A Smokehouse Pictures Production
Tagline:
They said they wanted to drain the swamp. Turns out, they wanted to bottle the water and sell it back to us.
Genre:
Political thriller meets dark comedy. Think Three Days of the Condor meets Wag the Dog.
Act I: The Quiet Leak
Clooney plays Daniel Berulis, a weary federal IT guy at the NLRB who notices strange login activity from a group called DOGS — the Department of Government Shysters. They’re supposed to “modernize” government, but their HR files are blank and their USB drives are blinking.
When huge chunks of data start disappearing into offshore voids, Berulis does the unthinkable: he calls a journalist. Then the doorbell rings.
Scene: “IRS Karaoke Night”
In a seedy D.C. karaoke bar, Berulis meets a disillusioned IRS data analyst (played by Paul Giamatti). She’s singing “I Will Survive” between bites of fried pickles.
She slides him a flash drive labeled Refund Reaper v3.7.
“They’re not looking for fraud, Danny. They’re looking for patterns. Metadata. Movement. Preferences. They’re building a consumer electorate.”
She takes a sip and adds:
“Tell the public? Good luck. Last guy who tried that got put on a no-fly list and banned from FroYo.”
Act II: The Heist Revealed
Berulis is now the hunted. Drones circle. A break-in nearly catches him off guard. He realizes the IRS, DOJ, even his own agency, are compromised.
The journalist (Jodie Comer? Oscar Isaac?) uncovers that DOGS is a private tech unit embedded across federal agencies, mining public data under the guise of efficiency — not for safety, but for profit.
Scene: “The Leak Goes Live”
In a community college basement in Akron, Berulis, the journalist, and a ragtag crew — a retired Medicare claims processor, a student coder, and a disgraced HUD analyst — upload everything to a secure leak site.
Journalist: “You sure this is the right move?”
Berulis: “No. But it’s the last one we’ve got.”
#DataHeist starts trending. Cut to DOGS HQ: a screen flashes Public Access: GRANTED. Printers around D.C. start spitting subpoenas.
Act III: Resistance Goes Viral
A decentralized army of librarians, grandma coders, and rogue feds join in. The story explodes, culminating in a live-streamed Senate hearing.
Scene: “The People’s Data”
Senate Committee on Data Privacy.
Berulis testifies. A smug DOGS exec dodges questions. Republican senators deflect with talk of immigration. One Democrat tries to sound serious but bland.
Then enters Senator Cortez:
“Let me ask this plainly: Why was a private entity embedded in the IRS, CMS, NLRB, and HUD with unrestricted access and zero oversight?”
No one answers.
She slams her folder shut:
“This wasn’t modernization. This was monetization. This wasn’t about protecting the taxpayer. It was about harvesting the taxpayer.”
Gallery erupts. DOGS exec calls his lawyer. Clooney just sips water. At least we think it’s just water.
Closing Scene: “Do We Still Have a Constitution?”
Berulis sits on a porch in his native Kentucky, sipping bourbon, Leon at his feet.
Journalist: “So what now?”
Berulis: “We don’t stop the machine. We just make it stutter loud enough for someone to notice.”
Cue mandolin version of Fortunate Son. Credits roll over leaked memos and resignation letters.
One final shot: In an outtake from the film, Clooney is back at the karaoke bar, crooning:
“They’ve given me a number, and taken away my name…”
Coming soon, maybe. Or already playing.
Either way, Al’s watching.
(The ChatGPT Plus artificial intelligence program was used in the production of this article. @copyright 2025, Mr. Write Coach LLC.)
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