By Al InCognito, Keeper of the War on Holidays
This year’s Easter message from President Donald J. Trump set a new standard in the category of weaponized holiday greetings. He’s the only person who can turn a Hallmark moment into a hostile takeover.
Instead of focusing on resurrection and renewal, Trump opened with a blistering attack on “corrupt prosecutors,” “fake judges,” and, of course, “Joe Biden’s open-border Easter Bunny amnesty plan.” He ended with, “Happy Easter to everyone — even the losers trying to put me in jail.”
Naturally, this got Al wondering: If this is how he does Easter, what about the rest of the calendar? Turns out, Trump might already have a whole greeting card line ready to go. Here’s a sneak preview from the “Make America Grate Again” Holiday Collection:
🗳️ Memorial Day
“We honor our brave heroes, especially the ones who voted for me. Unlike the generals Biden keeps hiring — those guys and especially the gals couldn’t organize a picnic, let alone a war. And Crooked Hillary would’ve replaced Arlington with a wind farm. I built the strongest military. Then they made it woke. SAD! Give me real soldiers like Pete Hegseth, who only leaks classified intel when there’s a camera around.
🌟 Independence Day
“Happy Fourth to all TRUE Americans. John McCain was a loser, Obama never celebrated this country, and Biden thinks patriotism is a microaggression. We’ll be independent again — from windmills, wimpy shower heads, immigrants, and Mitch McConnell’s sleepy leadership.”
💪 Labor Day
“I’ve done more for the working man than any president. I invented tariffs. I saved steel. Joe Biden wants you driving electric cars built by drag queens. Schumer thinks hard hats are a hate crime. I once carried a lunch pail. It was gold-plated.”
🌳 Arbor Day
“Arbor Day is fine. I like the good trees — the tall ones, the loyal ones. But let’s face it, many trees are in the way. California has all these fires — probably Antifa trees. And we can’t drill for oil if we’re babysitting a forest. My plan? Trump Trees. Big. Strong. Quiet. With nuts. Unlike the ones Biden plants.”
🎃 Halloween
“Trick-or-treating is great, but no masks. The radical Left used Halloween to test their Fauci lockdowns. Candy corn is woke. And no AOC costumes. Obama always gave out raisins. DISGRACEFUL.”
🍁 Thanksgiving
“Happy Thanksgiving to real Americans who know the Pilgrims came here legally. Biden invited 100 million illegals with pumpkin-scented amnesty. Hillary would’ve served plant-based stuffing and blamed the turkey for inflation.”
🛒 Black Friday
“Deals, deals, deals! I invented the art of the deals. I love Black Friday but we should rename it White Friday because that’s who’ll be out shopping. But not for that Chinese garbage. Only American-made products — like these fabulous MAGA golf shoes, Ivanka’s new perfume, and the Truth TV subscription box. Hillary shops at Whole Foods. I shop for freedom.”
🍄 Hanukkah
“Happy Hanukkah to the Jewish people who remember I moved the embassy to Jerusalem — unlike Biden, who can’t move a sentence. I did more for Israel than Moses. Chuck Schumer? He’s still figuring out how to use a dreidel.”
🎄 Christmas
“It’s called CHRISTMAS, not Happy Holidays, OK? Obama banned nativity scenes, Biden tried to nationalize the North Pole and Hillary once called Santa ‘a gendered symbol of capitalism.’ I saved Christmas. Santa endorsed me. Twice.”
🎉 New Year’s Day
“Happy New Year to all my supporters — and to the losers, cheaters, and backstabbers who said I’d be done in 2020: guess again! Biden’s resolution was to remember where he lives. Mine? Take back the White House, fire the Deep State, and fix the country in under 90 days. 2026 will be my year — and maybe, just maybe, J.D. Vance will stop blinking like he’s trapped in the Vatican gift shop.”
🌎 Bonus Cards for Trump’s Favorites
To Hillary Clinton:
“Still waiting on that concession speech. Hope you kept the receipt.”
To Obama:
“Worst Netflix deal in history. I had better ratings on The Apprentice.”
To Kamala Harris:
“Happy Whatever-Holiday-She’s-Explaining-Laughing-About. She’s in charge of the border, right? Still? Feels like she’s been on mute since 2021. Her job performance has been so invisible, we’re considering her for Christmas Eve.”
To Chuck Schumer:
“How can a guy from Brooklyn have so little flavor?”
To Mitch McConnell:
“Thanks for the judges. Now retire. People want strength, not turtle soup.”
Final Thought From Al
So if you’re waiting for peace, unity, or a warm holiday wish, don’t hold your breath. Trump’s calendar has no seasons — just grievances.
Because somewhere, at Mar-a-Lago, a man in a red hat is looking at a Christmas tree and asking:
“Can we build a wall around Kwanzaa?”
(The artificial intelligence program ChatGPT Pro was used to produce this column)
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