By Al InCognito, Touring With Truth

Donald Trump is in full karaoke meltdown mode. In a late-night Truth Social rant, he called for investigations into Bruce Springsteen, Oprah Winfrey, and Beyoncé for the crime of supporting Kamala Harris. Because in Trump’s America, freedom of expression only applies if it’s shouted over a Kid Rock guitar solo.

And poor Bruce. All the man did was release a live EP — Land of Hope and Dreams — featuring a few lines of truth: calling Trump’s last administration “corrupt, incompetent, and treasonous.” That was enough to send the president into full meme mode, reposting a video of himself golfing a ball into Springsteen’s head.

Naturally, I responded with a parody, Weird Al InCognito style … because when Trump rewrites history, we rewrite the soundtrack.

Born in the USA (Big Beautiful Remix)

Lyrics by Al InCognito — with apologies to The Real Boss

Born in a tower, gold-plated and tall

Daddy bought the building; I just named it all

Got a bone spur letter, dodged that war

Still say I’m tougher than a two-dollar whore, now …

Chorus

I was born in the USA

Born in the USA

I was born in the USA

A trust fund baby with a spray tan, hey!

Second verse

Went to a rally screamin’  ‘lock her up!’

Sold some sneakers, blessed a Bible cup

Had a MAGA hat made in Mexico

But I fired the staff when ICE said hello

Chorus

I was born in the USA

Born in the USA

I was born in the USA

On a golf cart made in Shanghai, hey¡

Third verse

Back in D.C., with revenge in my eyes

Fightin’ a Constitution full of liberal lies

Got golf-course cronies and beefs to disperse

And a jukebox that loops one Greenwood verse

Chorus

I say, God Bless the  USA

Don’t take my Big Mac away

God bless  the USA

Loyalty to Putin is the only way

Trump’s playlist may be heavy on Lee Greenwood and light on irony, but he’s also got the king of cultural grievance: Kid Rock (facing his own ICE issues, allegedly) and whatever country star agrees to play at the “Freedom Sausage Jamboree.”

But we don’t need another Big Beautiful Bill, Big Beautiful Parade, or Big Beautiful Border Wall.

We need a Big, Beautiful Bruce.

Someone who reminds us that patriotism isn’t about singing loud – it’s about standing up. That freedom isn’t a brand. And that no matter how many hats get sold or how many golf balls get “accidentally” launched at critics, the true anthem of this country isn’t written in slogans.

It’s written in sweat, guitars and the truth. ChatGPT 4.0 contributed to this column and produced the illustration

ChatGPT 4.0 contributed to this column and produced the illustration.