By Stuart Warner & Al InCognito

We may not agree on how to pronounce Ghislaine Maxwell, but we can agree that America needs jobs.

Still, we’re not entirely sure we’re on board with President Trump’s latest plan to boost his employment numbers and stimulate the economy:

Work release for child molesters.

You were probably as stunned as we were to learn that convicted sexual predator Ghislaine Maxwell will be granted work-release privileges from her country club, er, minimum-security prison in Texas

And like us, you might also be wondering what Jeffrey Epstein’s former personal groomer is qualified to do.

Never fear. The Department of Justice – whose new slogan is Come for the law, stay for the loopholes – has already circulated some promising opportunities for Ms. Maxwell.

To wit (we hope):

Help Wanted — No Experience Necessary (But It Helps if You Know Prince Andrew)

WHITE HOUSE TOUR GUIDE
Lead visitors through history’s halls while dodging inconvenient questions. Excellent opportunity for someone used to explaining away closed doors.

MAR-A-LAGO DOCUMENTS LIBRARIAN
Dewey Decimal skills optional. Must be able to work in 98-degree heat, tolerate ketchup stains on government property, and shelve nuclear secrets between Danielle Steel novels.

GIRL SCOUT CAMP COUNSELOR
Background check waived for “senior donors.” Applicants should have a working knowledge of s’mores, maritime law and plausible deniability.

PRESIDENTIAL FITNESS TEST COORDINATOR
Assess physical health without triggering indictments under the 25th Amendment. Must excel at counting push-ups that never actually happen. Cheating expected on golf scores.

LIBRARY STORY HOUR LEADER

Since the conservatives don’t want drag queens reading to their children, how about a real pedophile?

LOCKER ROOM COMPLIANCE OFFICER
Specializing in “hands-on evaluations” for the girls’ volleyball  team and providing excuses for any visiting dignitaries found hiding in the showers.

ISLAND CONCIERGE
Serve high-net-worth clientele on a private island. Discretion is key. Must be able to mix cocktails, book flights and not testify before Parliament. Works remotely.  Very remotely.

CRUISE DIRECTOR
Lead luxury yacht excursions for billionaires and heads of state. Must enjoy long walks on the deck, offshore banking, and pretending you don’t recognize anyone from the FBI’s Most Wanted list.

NECKWARE SALES ASSOCIATE
Hawk the Epstein brand, making sure they are tied jusssssst right.

But the standout gig for Ms. Maxwell might be:

SPECIAL ENVOY TO THE ALASKA SUMMIT
Keep U.S.–Russia relations toasty by ensuring both autocrats get exactly what they want. Handle scheduling, cocktail, and “personal diplomacy” with discretion. Must be comfortable in cold climates and warmer situations.

Picture it: Trump and Putin in leather chairs. Mad Max refills their glasses, smoothing over awkward silences.

TRUMP
It’s Guh-lane. Everybody says Guh-lane.

PUTIN
Nyet. Jee-lon.

TRUMP
Guh-lane!

PUTIN
Zhuh-lon!

Then, singing in harmony

“You say Zhuh-lon, I say par-don

“I say Guh-lane, you say Ukraine.

“Zhuh-lon, par-don

“Guh-lane, Ukraine.

“Let’s call the whole war off.”

(beat)

“Nah!!! Just joking.”

AUTHOR’S NOTE:  If this travesty allows Maxwell to earn money while ostensibly serving her 20-year sentence,  let’s hope all of it goes to her hundreds of victims. (ChatGPT-5 was used in producing this column.)