Melania’s gone missing, the plaster’s flying, and Rudy’s toupee never stood a chance.

By Al InCogito and Stuart Warner

WASHINGTON — The last time “Ballroom Blitz” blasted across America, Nixon was in the White House and polyester was a political statement. Now the song’s back  —  only this time, the ballroom’s real and the blitz is happening at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

They’re calling it “renovation,” but from where I’m standing it looks more like an East Wing Blitz. Bulldozers at dawn. Curtains flapping like surrender flags. One aide says the goal is “a return to traditional values.” Another says the gold leaf’s already on order.

Trump, beaming in a hard hat that matches his tie, shouts into the camera: “We’re gonna open this place up! Make room for the People’s Ballroom! Everyone’s invited — except, you know, the people.”

Somewhere a band starts tuning up. It’s not democracy’s funeral march; it’s Sweet’s glam-rock classic from 1973, revived for “Wayne’s World.” Only now the lyrics have changed.

East Wing Blitz

(to the tune of “Ballroom Blitz” by Sweet)

[Intro]
Are you ready, D.C.?
A-one, a-two, a-you-know-who!

[Verse 1 – The Demolition Man]
He’s wearin’ a hard hat, swingin’ his fists,
Yellin’, “I built it all, now I’m wreckin’ this!”
Reporters scatter as the marble cracks —
“Get the cameras rollin’, I’m takin’ it back!”

[Pre-Chorus]
And the crowd starts yellin’,
And the bricks start smellin’ of gilt and spray-tan mist —

[Chorus 1]
And the White House shakes! (shakes!)
And the Trump tape plays! (plays!)
And the MAGA hats catch the rays —
It’s the East Wing Blitz!
Yeah, the East Wing Blitz!

[Verse 2 – Melania Missing]
Well the dust starts flyin’ and the walls cave in,
There’s gold leaf glitterin’ in the wind,
Where’s the lady with the frozen grin?
She’s long gone-ya — Melania!

Packed her bags for Mar-a-Lago,
Left a note that said, “I told you so.”
Now the bulldozers roll in rows —
Say goodbye to the East Wing show!

[Pre-Chorus 2]
And the interns scatter,
And the chandeliers shatter,
And the Secret Service checks their lists —

[Chorus 2]
’Cause the walls all quake! (quake!)
And the spin can’t fake! (fake!)
And the headlines start to break —
It’s the East Wing Blitz!
Oh yeah, the East Wing Blitz!

[Bridge – Trump Solo Breakdown]
He says, “We’re renovatin’ bigly, folks, it’s art!”
(“Sir, that’s a historical part …”)
“Fake news! I own this place, okay?”
Then the ceiling falls on Rudy’s toupee.

[Final Chorus & Tag]
And the press corps shakes! (shakes!)
And the truth outrakes! (aches!)
While the band keeps playin’ his greatest mistakes —
It’s the East Wing Blitz!
The East Wing Blitz!

Yeah, the plaster flies, the columns split —
Has anybody seen Melania yet?
(Has anybody seen Melania yet?)
It’s the East Wing Blitz!
The East Wing Blitz!

When the amps fade, the rubble still smolders and the nation hums the chorus under its breath. Another day, another building down, another slogan up.  And somewhere behind the caution tape, a lone staffer whispers the only truth that fits the rhythm:

“Democracy isn’t dead — it’s just under renovation.”