Criminal protesters on the left, freedom fighters on the right (always on the right)

By Al Incognito (and ChatGPT)

In his previous life, President Donald Trump was a developer, constructing tall buildings that drove him into bankruptcy.  Now he’s bringing his talents to renovating the First Amendment.

Not a minor remake, mind you. No new coat of paint. We’re talking about a full-scale gut job. Walls are being knocked down. The plumbing is being ripped out. The free speech wing? Condemned. The protest clause? Bulldozed. The new blueprint? If you’re protesting something President Trump doesn’t like, you’re out. If you’re protesting something he does like, congratulations, you’re an American hero.

This morning, Trump issued an edict on Truth Social.  (We can’t say for certain whether this was before or after his constitutional on the  throne in the state secrets reading room at Mar-a-lago.)

The former president—now president again (because democracy is quirky like that)—has declared that federal funding for any college, school or university that “allows illegal protests” will be revoked. “Agitators,” as he calls them, will be thrown in jail or deported. American students? Expelled. Arrested. Packaged up like Amazon returns. (More profits for Jeff Bezos.)  

And he warned in capital letters, “NO MASKS.”

Why no masks? Because in Trump’s America, the only thing worse than an illegal protest is an illegal protester with good respiratory health.

Now, if you’re wondering what qualifies as an “illegal protest,” the answer is simple: It’s whatever Trump says it is.

Storming the U.S. Capitol and smashing windows while chanting about hanging the vice president? Not an illegal protest. That’s a patriotic gathering of misunderstood folks who just love their country with a little too much enthusiasm. But students holding up signs demanding social justice in Gaza? Anarchy. Treason. Grounds for exile.

The irony is rich, of course. Trump, who built much of his political persona around the idea of resisting the so-called “deep state,” now positions himself as the enforcer of federal obedience. The man who celebrated trucker protests in Canada and hailed Capitol rioters as heroes now wants to make sure no one rocks the boat—unless it’s in the direction he likes.

But Trump’s crackdown isn’t just limited to protesters. He’s taking the same approach to our neighbors. Today, Canadians and Mexicans are learning that when you don’t play by Trump’s rules, we’re going to make our citizens pay more for Molson’s and Modelo. Free trade? That was so pre-2016. Now it’s all about tribute and tariffs. If allies want access to the American market, they better bend the knee. Otherwise, they’ll be slapped with penalties  faster than a protester at a college rally.

And if you think Trump is only targeting students and trade partners, just ask Volodymyr Zelensky what happens when you don’t wear a suit to the White House. The Ukrainian president has spent years trying to defend his country from a Russian invasion, only to be mocked and dismissed by Trump, who has repeatedly called him “weak” and suggested he should just cut a deal with Putin.

Apparently, fighting for democracy isn’t enough to earn Trump’s respect. Maybe Zelensky should have stormed his own parliament, broken a few windows and taken a dump in an MP’s office.  Trump would have called him a freedom fighter and issued him a pardon.

The message is clear: standing up to Trump—or his allies—gets you nothing. Kowtowing, on the other hand? That’s the ticket.

Some of us disagree (we’re not protesting, mind you, we’re too old for jail) with Trump’s tactics. We liken them  to Vladimir Putin’s Russia. Certainly, it seems Trump is mimicking Putin’s playbook: control the narrative, criminalize opposition and redefine who counts as a patriot. Political opponents are labeled as foreign agents. Protesters are jailed under vague “extremism” laws. Free speech is a privilege, not a right, and it’s only granted to those who toe the party line.

But we’re wrong.  That’s not Russia. That’s the Soviet Union.

Is that where you want to live? (At least eggs were cheap.)