By Al InCognito, Minister of Homeland Insecurity

Just when you think we’ve reached peak parody, President Trump finds a way to add English subtitles to Triumph of the Will  and call it immigration reform.

This week, his administration granted refugee status — yes,  I said, REFUGEE STATUS — to 59 white South Africans. Apparently, they’re fleeing racial discrimination, land redistribution, and the unbearable hardship of not being in charge for five full minutes.

Let’s be clear: America has rejected pregnant Honduran women, Afghan allies, and climate refugees who had the audacity to float here on doors. But give us your pale, your privileged, your subtly sunburned yearning to feel relevant again — and we’ll fire up the welcome committee faster than you can say “reverse racism.”

This isn’t just immigration policy. It’s cosplay for colonizers.

Forget asylum seekers from war-torn regions. We’ve got a new standard:

• Do you speak Afrikaans?
• Do you miss “the good old days” when your driveway was longer than your neighbor’s lifespan?
• Do you have a family crest, but no Wi-Fi?

“Congratulations. You’re now a victim.”

And don’t be surprised if next week we open the floodgates for:

• A lost colony of Nazis from Patagonia
• Confederate holdouts from Brazil
• Or the original cast of Friends, seeking sanctuary from diversity

Because this isn’t about helping the oppressed — it’s about helping the dispossessed gentry.

The tantrum class.

The people who think Cry, the Beloved Country was too hard on the landowners.

Maybe we can fly them here on Trump’s new ride: a $400 million luxury jet from Qatar with nine bathrooms, including several bidets. A gift, a loan, a bribe? Who knows. But it’s big enough to carry a full choir of white grievance and still have room for a tanning bed and an indictment printer.

And yes, Qatar. Spelled with a Q that doesn’t even need a U.  Just like Trump, these people are too rich to follow the rules, too fragile to be questioned.

What’s next? A South African resettlement office in Boca Raton? A Boer burger franchise? A MAGA safari in the Ozarks?

Of course, we’ve already granted asylum, or sainthood, to the biggest white South African of them all: Elon Musk.

He fled the oppression of apartheid-era emerald mines to bring us flamethrowers, Dogecoin, and a social media platform so broken that users say they’d rather buy a newspaper. He’s living proof that if you arrive early enough, buy a few billion-dollar companies, and name your children after algebra problems — we’ll not only let you stay, we’ll treat you like a prophet.

So maybe this is the new immigration policy:

Give us your moguls, your memelords, your minor Bond villains.

Especially if they’re white, rich, and deeply misunderstood by “woke science.”

Because under Trump, refugee status doesn’t mean you were in danger, it just means you missed being in charge.

And nothing says crisis like having to share the country club.

Illustration by ChatGPT 4.0