Seeing Yellow at the Fauci Farce

By Stuart Warner

What if Dr. Anthony Fauci hadn’t taken the Fifth Amendment to every question in that televised circus they called a Senate hearing this week? What if instead of repeating the same legal sentence over and over, Fauci had answered the questions the way millions of Americans secretly wished someone would?

It might have gone something like this:

We pick it up after the curly-haired senator from Kentucky has blathered on for about 15 minutes in his opening remarks.

SEN. RAND PAUL: In 2004, you said the benefits of immunology research outweigh the risks. Do you still believe that?

DR. ANTHONY FAUCI: Do you still think the benefits outweigh the risks of having neighbors?

PAUL: Are you afraid to tell the truth?

FAUCI: I’ll tell it to Mitch McConnell.

PAUL: (exasperated) I yield to Senator Hawley.

SEN. JOSH HAWLEY: What day of the week is it?

FAUCI: The Fifth.

HAWLEY: What color is your tie.

FAUCI: On advice of counsel, I’d rather not discuss haberdashery..
HAWLEY: What color is the carpet?

FAUCI: You would know better than I would. You spent a lot of time running on it a few years ago.

HAWLEY: I must yield to Sen. Scott from Florida.

SEN. RICK SCOTT: “To your knowledge, sir, did Bill Gates partner with China on sensitive research?” 

FAUCI: Senator, I think we’d both be better off if we skipped the healthcare résumés.

SCOTT: Uh, yeah, I yield to the Honorable John Kennedy of Louisiana. This should at least be entertaining.

SEN: TED CRUZ (raising his hand): I ask to be recognized.

PAUL: Everyone recognizes you, Ted.

CRUZ: I just wanted to apologize for being late. My flight from Cancun was delayed.

PAUL: You’re excused, Ted. Now go find your own committee. We were about to hear from Senator “There’s No F in This” Kennedy.

SEN. JOHN KENNEDY: Dr. Fauci, do you owe the American people an apology?

FAUCI: Do you apologize to nuns for suggesting people seek their advice about sex?

KENNEDY: This isn’t a comedy show, sir. Were you ever wrong?

FAUCI: Constantly. That’s why they call it research instead of religion.

KENNEDY: I yield to Senator Morono, er, Moreno from Ohio.

MORENO: Dr. Fauci, do you need a new car? Oh, wait, that’s for later. Where was I … oh, yes, I thought your six-foot rule was total crap.

FAUCI: Senator, are you saying there are never circumstances when you’d rather somebody stayed six feet away?

MORENO: This isn’t about my family, doctor. This is about re-litigating 2020. Who the F— did you think you were?

FAUCI: I thought I worked for Donald Trump. 

(Looks around the room.)

You gentlemen seem to think Donald Trump worked for me.

PAUL: That’s enough. This hearing is adjourned.

FAUCI: Thank you, Mr. Chairman. Oh, and Senator Hawley, I just remembered. The carpet is yellow. It’s not alone. 

(ChatGPT-5 contributed to this column and produced the illustration.) 

See less

Published by

Unknown's avatar

Mr. Write Coach

Stuart Warner can help you become a better writer. Warner has developed a national reputation as an editor and journalism teacher. He has written or edited three Pulitzer Prize-winning entries and edited three other Pulitzer finalists As the writing coach at The Plain Dealer in Cleveland, he edited stories than won more than 50 national awards. Currently, Warner teaches journalism at Case Western Reserve University and is a regular contributor to AOL.com. He has been honored numerous times for his own writing. He has also been invited to speak on writing at the Nieman narrative conference at Harvard, the Let’s Do It Better conference at Columbia University, the National Writers Workshop sponsored by the Poynter Institute, the IRE’s national Computer Assisted Reporting workshop and at Capitolbeat, the national seminar for state government reporters. He has also worked with the writers at a number of companies, including Politifact, Key Bank, Signal Cleveland, the Akron Beacon Journal, Cleveland Jewish News, Akron General Hospital and also taught at Cleveland State University.

Leave a comment