The Write Coach Blog

If it’s broke, fix it: How a coach and his basketball team found common ground

(This is a chapter from my non-fiction book, JOCK: The Quickest Thinking Coach in America, 2025

Fall of 1968

Irvine Stewart says he didn’t know what to expect that morning, Aug. 28, 1968 — the day the Democratic Presidential Convention was about the tear apart Chicago and the nation and four days after he turned 15 years old.  Anxious about the road ahead, he boarded the yellow school bus near his home on West Sixth Street in Lexington. Ky.  That bus and  others carried Stewart, his best friend, D.K. Garth, and dozens of  black students miles away from their downtown neighborhoods to a high school in the  suburbs, a school where only a couple of years earlier the students waved Confederate flags at athletic events.

Stewart didn’t fully grasp then why he couldn’t attend Paul Dunbar High School, which was only a block from his house.  Ever since he was young enough to pick up a basketball, he imagined himself wearing a green-and-white Bearcat uniform.  Dunbar basketball was the pride of Lexington’s black community. Home games had the fervor of a gospel service.  The band played.  The cheerleaders swayed.  And all the people said “Amen” to their high priest of basketball, the head coach, Dr. S.T. Roach.

The icons of the team’s 512 victories under Roach filled the school’s trophy case — two state black school championships, six 11th Region championships in the 11 years Dunbar was allowed to compete against white teams and  two state tournament runner-up trophies, from 1961 and 1963. Stewart knew all the players from those teams from pickup games at Douglass Park and the Charles Young rec center.  This should have been his time to be a part of all that tradition, to add another trophy to that shelf.  And now the high school, and all that it meant to him and every other kid in the neighborhood, was gone.

In 1966, Lexington school officials, fearing forced integration, took a pre-emptive step, announcing they would close Dunbar High School.  That meant white students wouldn’t have to be bused to the black high school. Federal officials weren’t satisfied, however, so the city and county merged school systems.  The city also closed its other downtown high school, Henry Clay, building a new Henry Clay High School in the eastern suburbs. Dunbar closed in the spring of 1967, and over the next two years, its students were disbursed to the four high schools out in the county, far from their inner-city homes.

The local politics didn’t matter much to Irvine Stewart that August morning as the school bus headed south on Broadway Avenue for several miles – passing by the  Campbell House Hotel, an aging white building with the stately look of a southern plantation.  A half-mile farther, the bus veered left onto Clays Mill Road, then took a sharp left  onto Springhill Drive, past rows of brick and stone houses with well-kept lawns, then pulled in behind his new high school.

There were several white students waiting to greet Stewart and his friends as they stepped off the bus.

“Go home niggers!” he remembers several of the students shouting. “We don’t want you here!  Go back downtown!”

Welcome to Lafayette High School.

                           Xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Lexington had changed again when Jock Sutherland returned late in the summer of 1970 at age 42.

Southland Park was no longer as busy as it was three summers ago when he first moved back to his hometown, staying for only one season before he was offered a job as an assistant at the University of Alabama.  Maybe because other parks and pools had been built in the south side of town by then.  Maybe because there was restlessness among young people that led them to less frivolous activities.  On May 5, 1970, the day after National Guardsmen killed four students at Kent State University, the sleepy University of Kentucky campus suddenly woke up to war protests.  Someone set the Air Force ROTC building on fire.  The building was only a block from Jock’s grandmother’s house, the house where he grew up.  It was right across the street from Alumni Gymnasium, where he had spent so many gleeful days as a child sneaking into UK basketball practices.

Jock’s family dynamics were changing, too.  For the first time in Jock’s coaching career, the Sutherlands were no longer together as a unit.  Their oldest son, Charlie, graduated high school before the family left Tuscaloosa.  He decided to stay behind at Alabama to play for the freshman basketball team. The house they rented on Lafayette Parkway felt empty at times to Snooks, although Jock and Glenn were usually right across the street at the high school, where the youngest Sutherland enrolled as a sophomore.

But the biggest change of all, the change Jock never anticipated when he decided to return to his alma mater, was Lafayette High School itself.   Redistricting in the fall of 1968 moved the school’s wealthiest families to the rival Tates Creek High district and brought the city’s poorest students from the Charlotte Court section of downtown all the way out to Lafayette Drive. Lafayette had 14 National Merit semifinalists in 1968, only two in 1970.

Lafayette integrated in 1963, but those kids were rural blacks and there weren’t many of them.  They blended quietly into the student body. The downtown black kids came with different attitude.  They didn’t want to be there.  They were reminded every day of what they didn’t have: cars, new clothes, the three-bedroom, one-and-half bath brick homes with nuclear families.   They carried themselves defiantly.  They refused to cower to racial taunts by the school’s white toughs, the guys who spent most of their days smoking in the restrooms, intimidating anyone, black or white, who just wanted to use a urinal.  I was a junior that year.  Like most of the white students, I avoided the rowdies and the rednecks. In fact, I stayed out of the main bathroom all three years I was in high school. But the downtown black kids fought back.   With fists.  Sometimes with knives.  There were days when the suburban school yard looked like a scene from West Side Story.

The worst of the fighting had subsided by the time Sutherland returned in 1970, but many of the black students continued to rebel.  Black teachers like Louis Stout Jr., who had been the last basketball coach at Dunbar High School before it closed, says he thought that the white teachers were afraid to discipline black students, only encouraging bad behavior. Chaos often resulted.

On the first day of school in August, 1970, Sutherland remembers walking into the cafeteria and saw black girls dancing on the table tops as their friends played loud music and cheered them on.

“Knock it off,” the coach called out.

Everyone ignored him.  They had never seen this man before.

“Knock it off, I said,” he repeated, his voice rising.

Again, they ignored him.

Sutherland said nothing.  He walked over to the light switch and shut it off.  The cafeteria went dark.

“Everybody out,” he bellowed.

The students scattered. 

“That old man’s crazy!” one girl yelled as she departed.

                   Xxxxxxxx

Sutherland’s late decision to leave the University of Alabama didn’t give him much time to get acquainted with his new Lafayette basketball team.

Still, he liked what he saw at first.  

Irvine Stewart was a senior now.  He was only 5-foot-10½, but he was one of the fiercest rebounders Sutherland had ever coached.  Stewart’s buddy, 6-foot-1 guard D.K. Garth, and two other downtown kids, 6-foot-3 Chuck Scott 6-foot-3 Darrell Higgins, were all experienced players.  Steve Feck, a 6-foot-3 white senior, and two 6-foot-2 junior guards, David Moore and Van Berry, gave the team depth.

None of them was a dominant player like Gary Waddell or Toke Coleman, but all of these kids had good size and quickness. They were perfect, Jock was certain, for his style of basketball.

But there was so much he didn’t know about the downtown black kids.

He didn’t realize that when he scheduled a Saturday practice, they often had no one to drive them from the inner-city to the suburbs; nor that when they went home after school on the days of an away game that they had to catch a bus downtown in order to get back to the school in time to leave with the rest of the team.  He couldn’t see that the attitude they wore was a shield from the piercing intolerance they felt at the predominantly white high school.  He didn’t understand that “acting white” made them look weak to their peers.

The players knew even less about him. They didn’t understand that when he yelled at them, he wasn’t trying to humiliate them; he was trying to push them out of the comfort zones, to use all of their abilities.  They didn’t know how he had protected his first black players, how he had been a father-figure to fatherless kids like Toke Coleman and Wendell Hudson. They also didn’t know much about his reputation as a coach. When he returned to Lafayette the first time, he had immediate credibility with the players, black and white.  But those kids were gone, and Sutherland had been away from high school basketball for two years.

The four black seniors were a little wary of him from the beginning.  He was their third head coach in their three years at the school.  Each coach employed different offenses and defenses; each coach treated them differently.  They had reached the regional tournament as juniors.  They figured this was their year to strut. This new coach needed to prove himself to them.

Practices became a war of wills almost from the first day.  Sutherland knew one way to coach – he talked, the players listened. He wasn’t going to change.  When any of the seniors challenged his authority, he erupted.  These seniors didn’t accept sharp rebuke from a white man easily. The tension increased every day. Between the players and the coach.  Between the black players and the white players. 

Yet the team held together for the first month of the season.  The players’ athletic skills and their basketball acumen were well suited for Sutherland’s increasingly complicated defensive schemes.  He kept a collection of  colored towels with him on the bench.  He’d wave a red one if he wanted his team in the basic zone defense, white to increase the half-court pressure and blue for full-court pressure, yellow for a straight zone.  Sometimes, if none of those worked, he’d just throw all the towels up in the air and let them play whatever they wanted.  That usually confused both teams.

Mostly, all the defenses were working in December of 1970.  After eight games, Lafayette had a 7-1 record and was ranked among the state’s top 10 teams.

Then came game No. 9, on Dec. 30, 1970, for the championship of the Bluegrass Festival, a holiday tournament at Lexington Catholic High School.  Lafayette won its first two games of the tournament easily.  Its opponent in the championship game was a highly disciplined but undersized Frankfort High team, which didn’t have a player in its starting lineup over 6-feet tall.  This should have been an easy victory for Lafayette. 

About four minutes into the game, Lafayette trailed 11-0.  Frankfort’s precision offense … bounce pass, bounce pass, bounce pass, bounce pass until someone worked open for an open shot … confounded the Generals’ multiple defenses.  But the bigger problem was on offense.  Nothing was working for Lafayette. Sutherland saw that two starters refused to pass the ball to one another, knocking everything out of synch.

He called time out.

“What’s wrong with you guys?” he says he bellowed at them.

They wouldn’t look at him.

He yelled at them some more before they returned to the court.

Afterward, a manager cautiously approached the angry coach.

The two players got into a fight in the locker room before the game when Sutherland was outside, the manager said.

“What about?”  Sutherland asked.

The manager hadn’t packed all of the team’s socks for the trip.  When the last two players arrived, there was only one pair with the school’s emblem, a red L, left.  The other player would have to wear a pair of plain socks.  These were kids who had to scrap for everything they got in life. They wrestled for the more stylish pair of socks.

Sutherland was livid.

“A pair of damn socks!” he shouted.

He pulled both players out of the game.

The berating continued at halftime, with Lafayette trailing 40-25.

Lafayette made a run in the second half, but Frankfort remained patient in the face of the Generals’ harassing defense and held on for a 59-53 victory despite 25 points by Stewart, who was named the tournament’s most valuable player.

Lafayette’s players didn’t show any disappointment after the defeat.  Maybe their lives were so full of disappointment that they had learned to mask it.  Sutherland was furious.  His anger increased when he saw some of the kids laughing and joking in the locker room.  Then Chuck Scott really lit the coach’s fuse.

“Hey, at least we got a trophy to put in the trophy case back at school,” the coaching remembers Scott saying, hoisting the runner-up award up high.

Jock lost it.  He wasn’t sure why.  Maybe it was the memory of all the Lafayette championship teams, the finely disciplined squads coached by Ralph Carlisle.  Maybe it was the frustration of knowing he left a Division I coaching job at Alabama to return to a school that he didn’t recognize anymore.   Maybe … maybe … he never has been able to explain what happened next as anything other than temporary insanity.

He grabbed the trophy from Scott, hurled it past the player’s head, into the locker room wall.

Wham!

Pieces flew all over the floor.

“You ain’t putting nothing into that trophy case until you can win something with the right damn attitude!” he screamed.

Finally, there was silence. A trophy and a team had been shattered.

As the others quietly left, Steve Feck, the lone white senior, gathered up the pieces, put them in his gym bag and carried them home.

                 Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

January and February of 1971 were the two most miserable months of Jock’s coaching career.  Nothing else quite compared … not losing his first 10 games at Gallatin County, not the last-second tournament defeats to Bourbon County and Shelby County when he was at Harrison County, not the injury to Gary Waddell before his first Lafayette team began tournament play.

At home Jock rarely spoke.  The Sutherlands’ regular 6:30 p.m. dinners were no longer happy meals.  Snooks tried to console him, tell him that the players and he would adjust to each other, they always had.  Give it time, she said. Glenn stayed out of the line of fire.  He was playing on the school’s promising junior varsity team.  He saw his dad suffer every day. He didn’t want to talk about it at home.  Charlie called regularly from Tuscaloosa.  He recognized that his dad’s voice no longer carried his usual enthusiasm for basketball.

School was even worse.  The man who grew up in love with basketball, dreaded the final bell every day and the start of another practice.

The coaching office he built for himself in an old equipment cage seemed more like a jail cell now.  The office had always been a place where players and the press could stop by for a chat.  Whatever happened on the basketball court, he always seemed jovial when you found him in his office.  Three seasons earlier, I had been an invisible jayvee player during his first return to Lafayette.  Now I was an 18-year-old sports writer for The Lexington Herald, assigned to cover the local high school teams. I often found him in the office after practice, head buried in his hands.  He seemed so isolated there.

Some days when I stopped by for an interview, I felt more like a psychiatrist than a journalist. I couldn’t print much of what he said.  It wouldn’t have been fair to the players.  I knew them, too.  My basketball career ended after my sophomore year, but the next season, when Stewart, Scott, Garth, Higgins and Feck were sophomores, I worked out with them in the preseason before I was the last player cut from the team.  Then I traveled with them all year as the team’s statistician. The four players from downtown were good kids.  They actually had a lot in common with Jock’s childhood -– they barely had a father figures in their lives, if at all; basketball gave them their identity.

But it seemed that the coach and the players would never find that common ground.

The team lost seven of its next nine games and Sutherland’s  frustration intensified.  For the first time as a coach, he couldn’t communicate with his players, especially the black players.  He thought he understood them.  He had gotten along with black people since he was a kid, even though he grew up in a southern city where the newspaper printed “Colored News and Notes” on Sundays.  He had shepherded Toke Coleman and the other black players at Harrison County through the rigors of integration in a rural community. On his first team at Lafayette, Sutherland’s black and white players blended together like keys on a piano. He recruited the first black athlete at Alabama, Wendell Hudson.  But these kids, these kids from downtown Lexington … he couldn’t reach them. He became so frustrated that he didn’t even want the team to win.  If these guys weren’t going to play the way he wanted them to play, then they deserved to lose, he told me off the record. 

The players dealt with Sutherland’s tirades in their own way.  Stewart was the leader of the group. Basketball meant the most to him.  He saw the sport as his way out of poverty, as a chance to go to college.  Now all that seemed to be disappearing. When he was with the others, he was the most defiant.  But in private he tried to mediate with the coach, to bring everyone together.

Scott was the cocky one. He was an intimidating figure, with an Afro, mustache and neatly trimmed beard. He was a brash talker.  He wasn’t the type to back down, to respond quietly, calmly, to a coach or anybody.

Higgins retreated into his own world, simply ignoring his coach, another male figure who wasn’t there in his life.

Maybe Garth internalized his anguish more than the others.  Outwardly, he appeared almost oblivious to the strife between players and coach, like he didn’t care.  Inside, though, something was going on that not even his best friend, Stewart, understood.

Feck, the lone white senior, kept his head down, trying to keep playing hard through it all.  He was enduring enough trauma at home – his parents were divorcing.

By early February, the team’s 7-1 record had fallen to 9-9.  After another blistering lecture by the coach, Garth left the team and refused to return.

Stewart tried shuttle diplomacy between his buddy and his coach.  Nothing worked.  Garth was resolute.  He had had enough.  Basketball wasn’t worth it anymore.

A couple of days later, on Feb. 6, the team was preparing to leave on a trip to northern Kentucky for a night game against Ft. Thomas Highlands High School.  Sutherland got a call from Stewart.  He, Higgins, Scott and junior Van Berry had missed their bus from downtown.

“It’ll be a half hour before another one comes, Coach. Can you wait for us?”

“Then you’ve missed two buses,” Sutherland replied, “because we’re out of here in five minutes.”

The bus left the school without the players, but the team hadn’t gotten out of town when Sutherland heard a horn honking and honking from a car traveling beside the bus.   The driver motioned for the bus to pull over.  The coach saw that Stewart was in the car.  The bus stopped.  Stewart got on without saying a word. 

Sutherland had ordered the managers not to pack the uniforms of the players who didn’t show up.  So Stewart wore a jayvee jersey that night.  He didn’t start, but he came off the bench to score 15 points, even though Lafayette got clobbered 74-50.

Just a few nights later, the team traveled across town to play rival Bryan Station.  The players who had been left behind on the Ft. Thomas trip staged a mini-protest.  They kept tapping on the bus window with quarters.

Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.

“Cut it out,” Sutherland yelled.

Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.

“If you don’t cut it out, I’ll put you off the bus.”

“You can’t put us off the bus,” one of them said.

Sutherland ordered the driver to stop.  The bus was in downtown Lexington, near where the players lived.

“Get off and go home,” he said.

They didn’t budge. 

Sutherland saw a police officer nearby and called him over.

“Sir, these kids are disrupting my team,” the coach said.  “Would you remove them from this bus.”

The players left.  Lafayette lost again as the season tumbled out of control.  February ended and the team’s   record was 11 wins, 14 losses.  Only tournament play remained.  No one gave this team much of a chance to go very far.

No one except Irvine Stewart.

                                                Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Stewart knew there wasn’t much demand among college coaches  for 5-foot-10½ forwards, even though he had averaged 17 points and more than 10 rebounds during the tumultuous season. Still, he believed in himself, believed that someone would take notice if he performed on a big enough stage.  There was still time, he remembers thinking.

He called yet another team meeting.  It was time, he told the other players, to put an end to the resistance.  It was time to do it the coach’s way. “He was a coach at Alabama. He’s taken a lot of teams to the state tournament,” Stewart said.  “He must know basketball.”

Sutherland was surprised when he saw several of the players gather outside his office. 

Stewart spoke up.

“We know you are an old-fashioned man and you ain’t gonna change,” the senior forward said. “You won’t see our way, but the only way we’re going to do anything in the tournament is if we do it your way.  So we’re going to do it your way from now on.  We want you to understand, sir, that we don’t like you, but we’re going to do it your way because you’re the man.  There won’t be no more arguin’ from us.”

Sutherland smiled for maybe the first time in weeks.

“If you mean that,” he said, “we’ll win some games.”

The battle with each other was over.  The other teams were the enemy for now.

And Stewart became a warrior.

He scored 28 points and owned the backboards with 21 rebounds as Lafayette opened play in the 43rd District tournament with a 54-43 victory over Bryan Station, which was now coached by Sutherland’s old rival from the 10th Region, Bob Barlow.

Stewart added 31 points and another dozen rebounds in the district semifinals, a 79-73 triumph over Sayre, a private school in Lexington.

That victory guaranteed Lafayette a berth in the 11th Region tournament, so it didn’t matter that the Generals lost to rival Tates Creek in the district championship game.  Both teams advanced to the regional tournament the next week at UK’s Memorial Coliseum.

Tates Creek, coached by Louis Stout Jr., was the heavy favorite to win the tournament and advance to The Sweet Sixteen.  Stout, Toke’s Coleman’s half brother, was the last link to Dunbar High’s basketball greatness.  He had been an assistant to Roach, then took over as head coach for the final two years of the school’s existence after Roach retired in 1965. But on the opening night of the regional tournament, the little Frankfort team pulled another surprise, upsetting Tates Creek on a 40-foot bank shot at the final buzzer.

That eliminated a major obstacle for Lafayette, which advanced with a 66-61 victory over Madison Central in the first round of the tournament.

That advanced the Generals to the semifinals against Woodford County, a team that had beaten them by more than 20 points during the regular season.

Sutherland’s players liked to run up and down the court and shoot whenever the mood struck. He knew that kind of fast-paced game would mean certain defeat against a team like Woodford County, which had size, talent and discipline.

This would be a real test of how sincere his players were about following his instructions.

He decided to offer them a little incentive.

When the players showed up at their dressing room in the Coliseum that Friday night, they saw five stacks of 10 silver dollars aligned on the bench. They once had belonged to Sutherland’s grandmother.  She left them for him.  Now was the time to pass them on.

“What you got there, man?” one player asked.

“That’s your money,” the coach said.  “One of these stacks belongs to each of you five starters.”

The players started slapping hands.

“Aww-right, man. Let me at my money.”

“Wait a minute,” Sutherland said.   “There’s a catch.”

“A catch, man. What kind of catch?”

“You don’t get the money until after the game,” the coach said. “And each time one of you misses a shot, I’m going to take one of the silver dollars off the stack.”

The players started slapping hands again.

“I ain’t gonna take no muther-fuckin’ shot, man,” said one.

“Me neither.  You take the shots, man.”

The first time Lafayette got the ball, the players kept passing and passing and passing.  Nobody would shoot.  Finally, Stewart was fouled.

He called time out.

“What the hell did you waste a timeout like that for?” Sutherland asked.

“Do free throws count if you miss them?” he asked.

“Yes,” the coach said, “and there’s one more catch.  If we lose, nobody gets any silver dollars.”

Every time Lafayette got the ball after that, the players ran their patterns over and over until someone broke free. Usually it was Higgins, the team’s best shooter and fastest player.  He made 13 of 15 field goal attempts and scored 30 points.  Midway through the fourth quarter, Lafayette  had attempted only 37 shots, but had made 80 percent of them.  By then, the Generals led by 20 points and Sutherland called another timeout.  

“You don’t have to worry about missing anymore,” he said. “The silver dollars are all yours.’

Lafayette won 64-49, advancing to Saturday’s 11th Region championship game.

Its opponent:  Frankfort.  The team that had beaten the Generals for the Bluegrass Festival title, the night back in December when Sutherland smashed the tournament’s runner-up trophy.

After the Friday night game, Sutherland went to the Lafayette gym alone.  He wanted to get his mind focused on basketball.  These kids believed in him now.  He couldn’t let them down.  He walked the floor for hours, mimicking Frankfort’s offense, and Lafayette’s defense. By early Saturday morning, he had his plan.

That afternoon, Sutherland gathered his team for a workout at the Lafayette gym.  Frankfort’s offensive trademark was the bounce pass, a throwback to another generation, when players weren’t quick and athletic.  It worked now, because defensive players are taught to play with their hands up, blocking their opponents’ passing lanes.  The Quickest Thinking Coach in America drilled his kids that afternoon on playing defense with their hands down, close to the floor.

That night, Frankfort’s bounce passes turned into steals and deflections.  At one point, Frankfort went eight minutes without scoring a basket.  Stewart scored 25 points and grabbed nine rebounds as Lafayette pulled ahead by 13 in the final quarter and won by a final score of 49-39.

And it was time, once again, for Sutherland and his team to cut down the nets.

Irvine Stewart and the Lafayette Generals were going to The Sweet Sixteen, the first time the school had been back to the state tournament since it won the championship in 1957.

Sutherland had been the first coach to take Gallatin County to the state tournament and the first to take Harrison County.  This victory provided a couple of more firsts for him.  He became the first coach in tournament history to take three different schools to The Sweet Sixteen, The Sunday Herald-Leader reported. And Lafayette became the first team ever to reach the tournament after finishing the regular season with a losing record.

None of that seemed to matter with Sutherland as he spoke to reporters after the game. He was more contrite than celebratory.

“I wanted to win this one so bad because I’ve mistreated these guys all year long,” he said. “I apologized to them in a team meeting and I want to apologize to them publicly now.”

                                                            Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The summer before he returned to Lafayette, while he was on a scouting trip for Alabama, Sutherland visited a basketball camp run by his old friend Harold Cole, the coach of the Ashland Tomcats.

Jock had always zealously guarded the secrets of his Mad Dog defense, but when Cole asked if he would share the technique with him and his players, Sutherland relented – he figured he was finished with high school coaching anyway.

So, of course, Lafayette was paired against Ashland in the first game of the 1971 state tournament at Freedom Hall in Louisville.

Sutherland had abandoned the basic Mad Dog because teams with quicker, more athletic players could break it down when they had time to practice against it.  Ashland played in the northeast, predominantly white corner of the state.  Sutherland didn’t know what to expect from the team.  He forgot about the Mad Dog and didn’t rehearse his team for it. The defense’s half-court trap surprised Lafayette’s guards early in the game and forced them into several walking violations. Ashland pulled ahead by as many as a dozen points.

But Irvine Stewart was playing on the biggest stage of his life and he wasn’t going to let the moment pass. Even though he was the shortest player on the court that day, his performance in the second half that was larger than life, one of the best in the tournament’s history.

Stewart had perfected a baseline move that he learned as a sophomore.  He would drive his man toward the baseline, then turn his body parallel to the line and slide toward the basket until he was actually behind the backboard, facing out of bounds with the defensive player on his back.  Then he would use his jumping ability to spring himself in reverse until his was in front of the rim.  His back became a shield that prevented even players six or seven inches taller than him from blocking his shot.

In the second half against Ashland, he made that move from the right side and from the left side, hurling his body into the mass of taller players again and again and again, scoring basket after basket.  He scored 22 points in the final two quarters.

Yet with 48 seconds left to play, Ashland still led 71-65.

Higgins scored on a jumper to cut Lafayette’s deficit to four points with 35 seconds remaining.  Then Steve Feck intercepted a pass and made a lay-up.   Ashland led by two.  Seventeen seconds still to play.

Sixteen.  Fifteen.  Fourteen.  Ashland cautiously worked the ball up the court against the Lafayette press. 

Ten.  Nine. Eight. The Generals didn’t foul.  Six. Five. Four.  Higgins stole the ball.  He passed it ahead  to Stewart. 

There was no time to drive to the basket now.

Stewart pulled up for a jump shot.  Beyond his normal shooting range.

The ball danced on the rim for a moment.  Then it fell off.

Ashland 71.  Lafayette 69.

The Tomcat fans, whose teams had been embarrassed by Sutherland teams in the past, whooped and hollered.  But hundreds of fans from all over the 17,000-seat arena also stood and applauded as Irvine Stewart walked off the floor.

He finished the game with 29 points and 11 rebounds, an effort that earned him a spot on the All-Tournament team.  In seven tournament games, three in the district, three in the region and one in The Sweet Sixteen, he averaged 22 points and more than a dozen rebounds.  At least a few college scouts noticed the undersized forward.

He couldn’t thoroughly enjoy his moment, though, not so much because his team had lost; because his lifelong friend, D.K. Garth, hadn’t been there to share the season-ending triumphs with him. 

Sutherland accepted some of the blame for that.  Stewart didn’t pass judgment.  When the senior finally reached the locker room, the coach already was surrounded by a battery of reporters, eager for a few colorful quotes to fill their game stories.  Stewart walked by the pack, turned toward Sutherland, stretched out his arm and clasped the coach’s shoulder.  They looked at each other without saying a word. They didn’t have to.  The mutual respect was obvious.

                                                            xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Three weeks later, the Lafayette team gathered for its annual team banquet.

At the end of the program, Jock Sutherland held up the 11th Region championship trophy.

“I’ve never been prouder to put anything in the school’s trophy case,” he said.

But the celebration wasn’t over. 

Steve Feck’s senior year at Lafayette had been a thunderstorm of emotion.  There was constant strife at practice and the divorce at home.  When he turned 18 after the first semester, he moved out and rented an apartment, paying for it with his earnings from a part-time job. Ever since he was a child, he had enjoyed rebuilding things that had been broken. His unselfish play helped the team repair itself in the final weeks of the season.  And alone at his apartment, he worked on a special project.

Feck carried a brown bag with him as he and the other seniors approached Sutherland. Feck opened the bag and pulled out that runner-up trophy from the Bluegrass Festival, mended with glue and tape.

He handed it to the coach.  The players and the rest of the crowd applauded loudly.  Jock was speechless for one of the few times in his life.

The trophy of a team that was torn apart then put back together remained on display at Lafayette High School for more than 30 years.

.

Caught in a ‘Catch 23’ – The end of local TV news in Akron

(This chapter is excerpted from “Akron’s Daily Miracle,” edited by Stuart Warner and Deb Van Tassel Warner, copyright 2020, University of Akron Press)

Screen grab from WAKC-TV23

By Mark Williamson

Its end was ignominious.  Just a passing comment to a young reporter and that was that.  Local television news in Akron was dead.

Lowell “Bud” Paxson, the Florida-based founder of the Home Shopping Network, took legal ownership of WAKC Television, Channel 23, at midnight February 26, 1996.

By 10 the next morning, as news crews headed out to cover their stories for the early newscast at 6 p.m., Paxson had ordered his management team occupying TV 23’s studios at 853 Copley Road to terminate nearly the entire staff of more than 80 employees. 

Accompanied by armed guards, their approach was certainly newsworthy.  They fired nearly a hundred people by word of mouth.  Ironic, perhaps, that a communications company would merely tell a young reporter named Steve Litz, passing in a hallway on his way to an editing suite, “We’re firing you and your co-workers.  Go around the place and pass the word to your friends that we won’t be needing you people anymore.”

It is important to note here that Paxson made a personal appeal six months before the takeover.  The staff had been notified to attend a meeting in the studio to meet and greet him. Paxson, the staff was told, was coming to talk to everyone about his plans for WAKC once he assumed ownership.  He promised to take the news product to a “whole new level.”  It would be “competitive” with Cleveland.  He was going to “sink more money” into the set design, the news product, the people doing the news. And there would be raises, higher starting pay and “more promotion of the product” out in the community. 

Reporters are suspicious by nature but most stayed on to see it through.  That would turn out to be regrettable for most.

Paxson made verbal commitments to plans he never intended to keep.  His intent, as it turns out, was to keep everyone he could on the payroll to maintain the value of the operation until he could officially own it and then turn it into another portal for syndicated TV shows and home shopping.  Nothing local, save for the occasional and obligatory public affairs program, would ever appear again on the “Akron” station.  It no longer looked like Akron on TV 23.  That broadcast could have been coming from anywhere:  Amarillo; Gallup, New Mexico; Flagstaff, Arizona; Winona; Kingman, Barstow or San Bernardino  (with apologies to Bobby Troup).  The AK, the Akron in WAKC, was gone forever.  So was Bud Paxson 19 years later, when he died in Montana.  But he certainly left a mark on Akron.

After Paxson chose the nuclear option, Akron tried to fight back.  Mayor Don Plusquellic went to West Palm Beach, Florida, in 1997 to express to Paxson, in person, how he felt about what he had done to his city.  Mayor Plusquellic wanted to work with Paxson to see about funding for just a pared-down newscast once per day on the station.  Paxson refused.

You have to give Mayor Plusquellic credit.  Plenty of government leaders would be happy to have one less gaggle of reporters following them around with cameras and audio recorders.  But the mayor  had a good story to tell about Akron and understood the value of what a local television news operation could bring to promoting that story to his community every day. 

“It’s a two-edged sword,” he  would say.  “A love-hate relationship we have with the media.  We need them.  They need us.  But sometimes, there’s a helluva price for people in my business to pay for those relationships. They never pay.” 

Another amusing aside about the mayor’s view of the media was that he felt the good people in government who were doing their jobs and doing them well received no coverage to speak of.  “They only cover two kinds of people in my business.  Crooks and clowns.  That’s it.” 

As the mayor’s communications director and media relations person for many years after leaving WAKC, I’d have to say that when it came to television news, that was pretty much right on the money. 

But back  to Copley Road and TV 23.

A mere 18 hours after taking ownership of WAKC, Bud Paxson removed a news broadcast that had been a part of the TV landscape and people’s daily habits since the early 1970s, and replaced it with an episode of The Love Boat.  The switchboard lit up at the old theater building that had housed WAKR Radio and Television since the 1940s, and for the very first time in more than 50 years, calls were answered at the station by automated voice mail.  Not by Hazel Botzum or Isabelle Summerville.  Both women had been part of the station and their community for many years.  They typified the style of ownership of founder Bernard Berk, son Roger Berk, Sr., and grandsons Roger Berk, Jr., and Robert Berk. They hired local people, for the most part. Nice people.  Friendly people who cared about Akron.  The Berks are from Akron and it mattered to them that they served the community in which they lived.

But now, that personal touch was gone.  The news went dark.  The commitment to community was jerked out from under the city that had watched a mix of young college students and wily veterans work their tails off to capture the day’s events on camera and present them on the air.

The relatively small station had its struggles competing with four bigger-market TV news operations in Cleveland, 30 miles to the north.  Our challenge each day to compete for viewers was akin to putting a mom-and-pop grocery store next to a massive chain store and telling it to go out there and make some money. 

The people on the air at WAKC had endeared themselves in many ways to Akronites and viewers around Northeast and North Central Ohio.  (Its over-the-air signal was strong to the south, even beyond Canton, which is 20 miles south of Akron).  It was the little engine that could of TV news.  Viewers got to know the staff, reporters, anchor people and the videographers (mobile cameramen and camerawomen).  Mark Johnson, from Ashtabula, and Mark Nolan, from Stark County, both did the weather at TV 23 and moved on to do the same in Cleveland television.  Phil Ferguson, our Copley-Fairlawn born-and-bred sports anchor, has been a fixture in local radio ever since TV 23.  Tim Daugherty, who grew up in the Cleveland area, also did the weather at WAKC while working on the air at 97.5 WONE.  He remains at WONE today.  Others our viewers may remember from the last couple of years on the air: Lauren Glassberg is with WABC in New York City as a reporter; Steve Litz is a reporter at NBC 6 in Miami; and Dawn Gigi (Gigi Hinton) is a producer at TV ONE in Washington, D.C.  Carole Sullivan, who was Carole Chandler on the air, went to work at Channel 3 (WKYC) in Cleveland after leaving TV 23 and is now  hosting Today in Nashville on WSMV. Co-anchor Jim Kambrich is anchoring the news in Albany, N.Y. And, of course, Carol Costello was at CNN, then Headline News until the fall of 2018.

A host of talented off-camera people who got their start in Akron are still working in Cleveland television as editors, producers and videographers.  They were mere rookies when we hired them at TV 23.  Now many of them are closing in on retirement.

The Cleveland on-air presentation was more polished, had more money to invest in every aspect of the broadcast. But the no-nonsense approach at  WAKC (and, before it, WAKR-TV) had a loyal following from viewers who regularly lauded the station for just delivering the news.  No comedy.  No contrived cross chatter on the news set.  Nothing fancy.  Just the facts, as Jack Webb would say. 

The job was to cover what happened each day while the viewers were otherwise occupied.  So the team would hit the streets and bring back a product every day that folks came to rely upon.  To have the proverbial rug pulled from underneath them was truly a shock to many.  Even those folks who might have poked fun at the station’s sometimes less-than-polished look (compared to bigger city news) realized what they were losing.

The irony of what was about to occur wasn’t lost on me.  After spending nearly 20 years at TV 23 as a reporter, news anchor and news director, I was intimately aware of the difficulties of covering news in our town —  a town that was losing jobs, population, businesses, nightlife and its downtown.   In fact, our downtown had been made famous in a song by native daughter Chrissie Hynde and it wasn’t for anything positive.

Akron’s population was falling from its peak of around 290,351 in 1960 to 217,613 in 1996 when Bud Paxson  pulled the plug on local news.  A city that once boasted five Fortune 500 corporate headquarters, was the tire and rubber capital of the world and was once the trucking capital, too, now was struggling with unemployment, the pivotal companies that made it great looking to move out of town.  Many did.  Akron no longer employed 40,000 in the rubber industry.  There may have been 5,000 or fewer by the early 1980s. 

One of the many phrases coined about the TV news business is that it doesn’t cover planes that land.  Or, if there’s a second coming of Christ and we don’t have video, we’re not leading with it.  There’s no shortage of crassness, that’s for certain.  But there is a point to be made in that TV news relies on conflict, negative emotion and the kinds of seedy things people just might not see every day.  Murder.  Mayhem.  Fire. Chemical leaks. 

And scandals.

A spate of high-profile scandals that thrust Akron into the national news more than once served to energize viewership in local news in the late 1970s and early ’80s. Perhaps the most notorious was a public corruption scandal within Summit County government that took down a few public officials and gave news reporters more than a year’s worth of follow-up stories that led directly to the indictment and conviction of a local probate judge.  The story received coverage by a new reporter on the national scene named Geraldo Rivera, who was on a relatively new format of news program on a show called 20/20 on ABC with Hugh Downs and Barbara Walters.  Its ratings were strong.  That didn’t bode well for Akron’s reputation in the Rivera-created, theatrically produced series titled Injustice for All.

I have argued in the last 20 years that even murders, for the most part, capture much less attention than before because they have become more commonplace.  We needed stories about the city itself and where it was going.  What was it doing to attract business, jobs, people?  There wasn’t much to say at that time. But a city’s image, the face it shows to the region and the rest of the world, as it were, comes often from the high gloss of chamber of commerce-type commercials, fun promotional spots for the local stations, and the kinds of news stories that promote a lifestyle that might retain and attract young people and families.

In Akron, a town that endured decades without much of a good story about its image, a town that had more news about layoffs and business closures (especially in the vital rubber industry) than anything else, except crime, something was about to change.

But there would now be no television station left to cover it, to tell the stories, and most importantly, to show nightly images of the now evolving city.

The irony – especially for the mayor and the investors sticking their necks out to make Akron catch up after about 50 years of neglect – was that this all began to change almost immediately after the demise of local television news.  Not long after Capt. Merrill Stubing began to pilot the 6 o’clock hour on TV 23, downtown Akron began to demonstrate it had a pulse.  It was coming alive.  With $100 million in investments, Mayor Plusquellic was able to deliver three high-profile projects that would draw people back downtown: the John S. Knight Center, Inventure Place (National Inventors Hall of Fame) and Canal Park, home to the AA baseball affiliate for the Cleveland Indians.

“A city’s downtown is like the front room of a home.  It’s the first and last thing people see when they visit, and it better leave a good impression,”  Deputy Mayor for Economic Development James Phelps once said.

Within 10 years, by the early 2000s, downtown Akron was out-producing all other areas of the city combined when it came to the taxes it generated.  The investment was working and sending tax dollars to the city treasury in amounts stout enough to keep 50-100 of Akron’s police force on the payroll.  Close to 25,000 people were working downtown, another huge leap even from the early 1990s.

But without local television to assist in telling this story – with images of crowds of people and traffic coming back to downtown for baseball and nightlife – how would Akron get its story out to even its own citizens?

Not through Cleveland media.  Cleveland television news has never done a thorough job covering Akron.  How can it?  But as long as there is no one else doing it in our city, Cleveland can get away with reporting on news here as if we were a mere suburb.  That’s why for years, much of the time, newsrooms in Cleveland have merely opened the morning Akron Beacon Journal, scanned it, and pulled out the stories it wanted to cover that day.  Most of the work was already done by a print reporter, so there really wasn’t much to it, and let’s face it, 70 percent of their audiences lived in the Cleveland area and had no idea it was old news.  It was, as we at TV 23 used to say, news to THEM.

I’m going to share with you a secret Cleveland doesn’t want you to know.  When the A.C. Nielsen Company (now the Nielsen Corporation) does ratings surveys to determine how many folks are watching television news in Cleveland, it includes the population of Akron.  Akron was and is considered part of the Cleveland TV market.  That helps Cleveland because the larger the population, the more advertisers pay the stations to run commercials. 

In New York, Los Angeles and Chicago, they charge more than in Lincoln, Nebraska, or Daytona Beach.  Cleveland’s stature in the world of TV markets is inflated by Akron residents who make up 30 percent of Cleveland’s “TV population.”   Have you ever seen a successful business that could ignore a third of its customers?  If I owned a men’s clothing store and refused to sell the white dress shirts that one in three of my customers demanded, and those customers quit coming to my store, I’d be out of business.  Not in Cleveland television.  It makes money from Akron merely because we exist.  We are a number that serves them well whether we watch or don’t watch and whether they cover news here or not.

At WAKC, we called this phenomenon a Catch 23. Akron advertisers were not crazy about paying Cleveland ad rates to buy time on a local news program that didn’t have Cleveland’s larger population watching.  Nielsen did not want us selling advertising without using its numbers. But, if we used them, it appeared we had no audience because 70 percent of the people it was looking at as potential viewers lived in Greater Cleveland and couldn’t pick us up and, quite frankly, did not want to.  Why would they? 

We had some loyal advertisers who sustained us for years, but I’m fairly certain we continued to lose money year after year.  When we went on the market to purchase syndicated programs to air whenever there was no network programming, Akron television had to pay the much higher Cleveland rate for those shows.  But, again, we could not get the size of audience to justify or even pay for the shows we had to buy. Hence, Catch 23. 

Former WAKC weatherman Tim Daugherty knew the value of those images.  His nightly weather always featured video shot that day of something interesting going on around the region.  “We actually would receive comments from viewers asking about the weather video…where it was taken and even what we might have been looking at in the shots we used.  It was an effective way of showing off something new, a development, a natural resource such as the river or parks or an event that was drawing crowds,” Daugherty said.

Half an hour of local television time twice each day could be a powerful vehicle for getting the good that was going on into homes around the city.  The Akron Beacon Journal did a good job of those days of downtown growth, though Mayor Plusquellic would disagree, but a newspaper is a poor substitute for video when it comes to showing off a city’s best elements day or night.

Missing were the cameras at the opening of a brand-new park for professional baseball. Or at the opening ceremony for the National Inventors Hall of Fame. There was coverage of the christening of the John S. Knight Center downtown in 1994, but as the new convention center started to come into its own, attracting convention business and new visitors to the city, television news was gone.

We missed the opening of the remodeled and redesigned O’Neil’s Department Store building into a beautiful home for a local law firm overlooking center field at Canal Park.

We missed restaurant openings and the creation and completion of the Towpath Trail.  Children’s Hospital has expanded about 10 times since TV 23 went under, but not one image of this beautiful transformation has been broadcast on local television news. 

The East End development, the new Goodyear headquarters, the new Bridgestone headquarters, GOJO’s move into downtown and so many more big stories all came about after the signal from TV 23 was cut off for local news.

There’s a new hotel downtown near Luigi’s. Heck, Luigi’s is now just a small part of what has transformed the north end of downtown, including high-rise condos, cool new apartments, businesses, galleries, a fencing school and the rebirth of America’s first and oldest public housing complex, once known as Elizabeth Park.

Lock 3, an outdoor entertainment venue along the banks of the historic Ohio & Erie Canal, the waterway that made Akron grow in its infancy, is again a resource.  The entire downtown area has the canal in view

New office buildings went up downtown, old ones were saved and restored by Tony Troppe, a loquacious developer who was putting his money were his mouth was and bringing new life to historic buildings that Akron had long since written off as useless.

But you will hardly see any of that.

Much of what I’ve written is within an almost archaic model in the first quarter of the 21st century.  Fewer and fewer people are watching traditionally delivered television (over the air, or cable).  Of those who still do, the numbers watching television news are dropping.  Younger generations are finding it obsolete, not part of their culture, too linear to view in their on-demand world. 

Newspapers, sadly, are in decline as well.  So I’m not sure the idea of resurrecting TV news for this community (as many continue to suggest today) is at all worthwhile. In Akron, even during its very best days, it was a struggle to make it work commercially with dedicated owners (the Berk family) and enthusiastic employees because of the forces of the Cleveland market.

With today’s declining viewership nationwide, it’s unlikely we’ll ever see true, local television news in that form again.  It was local theater, live in your living room every night, done by young people you may have known.  It gave many a good start to a long career.  But the strangely configured market it was trapped in made it vulnerable to out-of-town owners who truly cared not about Akron or news.  They stalked it, killed it, made a bundle and took off. 

That, my friends, is a Catch 23.

Coming Together for A Question of Color

By Deb Van Tassel Warner

Question of Color cover illustration by Art Krummel
Question of Color illustration by Art Krummel/ Akron Beacon Journal

On the southeast side of the corridor leading to the editorial board offices at 44 E.  Exchange St. sat a windowless room decorated top to bottom, walls, floor and upholstery, in deep shades of red.

Akron Beacon Journal employees referred to the room, neither surprisingly nor creatively, as the Red Room. Reporters took advantage of its privacy to conduct interviews, hold confidential conversations and have spirited discussions over brown bag lunches about the craft of writing. Editors used it for planning and training sessions, to deliver performance reviews, and occasionally to melt down privately from stress.  No one remembers who deemed red suitable for the room’s purpose. But as our cafeteria had been decorated in blue tones (yes, we called it the Blue Room!) in the same renovation, some decision-maker must have thought red was just the ticket. 

On an auspicious day in mid-1992, seven staffers occupied the Red Room for an entire shift, not to be interrupted, to brainstorm ideas for a project on race relations, an initiative that two years later would win the newspaper the prestigious Pulitzer Prize Gold Medal.

The idea hatched after the April 29, 1992, trial verdict clearing four white Los Angeles police officers in the brutal, videotaped beating of Rodney King. Gathering community reaction, the Beacon had run a story of a white woman in Canton holding up a sign that simply said: “I’m sorry.”

For Black Americans, the verdict “underscored . . . the years of unfair treatment by police and the criminal justice system,” reporter Yalinda Rhoden recalled. It triggered a series of arguments between Rhoden and Assistant City Editor David Hertz, including a debate over which was more horrific, American slavery or the Holocaust.

“To me, anti-Semitism and racism have a great deal in common,” Hertz said. “I became convinced that the ABJ should examine race relations in our community and help the residents come to grips with racism.”

Hertz took the idea to senior editors, who called a meeting for input and buy-in from the entire newsroom. The staff packed into the hallowed John S. Knight conference room, and Hertz led the discussion.

“I was petrified,” he said. A relative newcomer to the Beacon, 30-year-old Hertz was then one of the youngest editors on staff.

Everyone supported the concept, but agreeing on the project’s scope proved contentious. A few staffers argued that any examination of race relations must include Akron’s suburbs and other minority groups. Most favored limiting the project to blacks and whites in Akron only. The rationale was twofold: The predominantly white suburbs would not illustrate the issues underpinning racial tension; and blacks formed Akron’s largest minority group. After all, the impetus was a black man’s beating at the hands of white cops. 

At the time, the decision seemed to make sense. We knew it would be an enormous undertaking requiring deft management and skillful diplomacy to keep newsroom egos on task. Today, some of us would certainly support a broader approach. Ignoring Akron’s other minority groups ran counter to the project’s goal, which was to foster inclusivity. 

After a second staff discussion, Editor Dale Allen advised Hertz to pick a smaller but diverse cross-section of newsroom talent to sharpen the focus. Offering the black perspective were reporter Rhoden, local columnist Carl Chancellor and editorial writer Laura Ofobike. For the white perspective were projects editor Bob Paynter, copy editor Sarah Vradenburg and myself, then the Sunday news editor.

That’s how we landed in the Red Room for eight intense, emotional hours, launching the discussion with the experiences that had shaped our own attitudes about race. We challenged and teased each other. We were variously loud, angry, contemplative, sorrowful, joyful, tearful, confrontational. We stayed in the room for lunch, leaving only for bathroom breaks. At the end of the day, no one was dry-eyed.

I told of growing up in a lily-white, working-class suburb in New Jersey, where my interactions with blacks were mostly positive. The worst racially motivated incident in my lifetime happened after I moved to Akron in 1982. I was driving through a benighted area of North Hill when a young black man threw a lit cigarette through my car window and called me a white bitch. I learned to drive through the ’hoods with doors locked and windows closed.

Akron also delivered my most illuminating epiphany about race, at a baby shower for Yuvonne Bruce, a black reporter who would become the copy editor on the project, at the Highland Square home of Cristal Williams, a black assistant editor. There were as many whites as blacks at the party when it began in the afternoon. By nightfall, the group had shrunk to about six or eight dedicated card players. I was the only white person.

I never felt unsafe. These were my friends, my colleagues. But I did wonder how I would feel if I were the only white in a group of blacks I did not know. Then I realized this uncertainty about safety, about how one will be treated, is what my black friends must experience most days of their lives as minorities in this country.

Rhoden, a versatile and gutsy newswoman as well as a good friend, chuckled, and said something to this effect: You’re right about that. When I started here I was covering northern Summit County. No one looks like me there.

A graduate of Akron’s Central-Hower High School and Ohio Wesleyan University, Rhoden was the youngest in the room. Family members had strong ties to the rubber companies and ran a funeral business. She provided invaluable context, having witnessed firsthand the demographic shifts along Copley Road and Hawkins Avenue, the near west side, North Hill and other neighborhoods as tire jobs, Akron’s economic spine, vanished.

She broke into tears recalling how one of her best friends in childhood, a white girl, told her they couldn’t play together any longer.

Hertz, a native of Shaker Heights, recalled how older black students would try to shake down the younger white kids every day at lunch time at Woodbury Junior High School.  “I had to figure out a way to fool these kids, as they were much bigger than I. So I bluffed and told them I had no money, even though I did. I saw this as a racial thing, as everyone I sat with was white. … For years after I told this story, Carl Chancellor and I would joke about it. Every so often, he would come up to me and ask me for my lunch money.”

So many years later, it is impossible to capture all we discussed that day. I am not the best person to be writing this chapter. I had been the business editor for about five years when Stuart Warner, my husband, got promoted to deputy managing editor, overseeing business and local news. As I could not report to him, I was named Sunday news editor, a new position without portfolio. Heck, for months I didn’t even have a dedicated seat.

I no longer created content or directed reporters, which is what I do best. I worked Tuesday through Saturday to plan and design the big Sunday paper, as well as elections and special sections. Mine were the last eyes on major projects, checking mainbars, sidebars, headlines, captions, page toppers, pull quotes, photos and graphics, before they went into the paper. That was my contribution for the first three installments of A Question of Color, a five-part series. But I was never comfortable in the role and left for The Seattle Times in September, before the series concluded at the end of 1993. Stuart stayed in Akron to see the project through. Key people involved in the day-to-day wrangling were not available to author this chapter.

Here is what I have reconstructed from my memories, Beacon Journal archives and interviews: We agreed to do something ambitious and important and with impact. It would be expensive. We would examine black/white relations in Akron, a city where African Americans made up 25 percent of the population. We would inform our reporting using Census data and professionally managed focus groups of blacks and whites. We would ask for polling money for the University of Akron to survey city residents about race, pivoting off the 30th anniversary of  Martin Luther King Jr.’s “I Have a Dream” speech. We would use the polling, focus groups and Census data to drill down into what we suspected would emerge as “hot-button issues”: education, economic opportunity, crime and punishment, and housing. Hertz suggested  a community component.

I proposed that the focus groups be racially mixed but got roundly shouted down; my colleagues said that blacks and whites would hold back if we put them in the same room at the same time. To accomplish anything at all, they said, we needed to create a safe environment for people to discuss their feelings candidly. Ultimately, we decided on three focus groups for each installment – one white, one black, and one mixed to be drawn from members of the first two groups.

Paynter, the venerable and highly decorated projects editor who introduced computer-assisted reporting to the Beacon newsroom, drew up a comprehensive proposal for Allen’s review.  Always supportive of big-picture projects with a strong sense of place, Allen signed off quickly.

Allen anointed Paynter to lead the project. He began working on the survey and drafting reporters, one black, one white, for each topic. Officially, Paynter had carte blanche to ask for anyone he wanted and reached into the features, sports, business and local news departments. In reality, Stuart conducted delicate negotiations with more than one territorial editor. Fine writers who should have been chosen were not. Some could not be spared; others were casualties of hoary grudges.

The final team, however, a diverse collection of 29 writers, editors, photographers and artists, did superb work. Assistant Managing Editor Susan “Mango” Curtis oversaw the design and graphics. Chancellor and feature writer/columnist Bob Dyer sat in on the focus groups with Assistant Managing Editor Doug Oplinger and wrote for all but one installment, kicking off with “30 Years After the Dream.” Paynter often shared a byline. Other writers were Leona Allen, Carole Cannon, Sheryl Harris, Michael Holley, Colette Jenkins, Kevin Johnson, Ron Kirksey, David Knox, Steve Love, Maura McEnaney, Bill O’Connor and Will Outlaw. Also rotating onto the team were news editor Gloria Irwin; photographers Mike Cardew, Lew Stamp, Paul Tople and Jocelyn Williams; and artists Chuck Ayers, John Backderf, Deborah Kauffman, Art Krummel and Terence Oliver.

I started styling prototypes with my dear friend Mango, who has one of the best eyes for design in the business.  After hours of mocking up, which involves placing dummy type, photos and graphics on a full-page grid, I would unveil my work for her. In the blink of an eye, she would have suggestions for improvement: Change that font. Make that bold. Use two-line subheads. Lose this. Add that.

Another huge talent in the art department was its director, Krummel, who created the project’s signature composite of a black-and-white face forming a ragged, ill-fitting puzzle, plus templates for all the infographics. 

The project gestated during an interregnum of managing editors. Jim Crutchfield had left to be editor in Long Beach, Calif. Allen was searching for his replacement. The steadying presence of a managing editor might have prevented the blow-up that occurred during a status meeting before the first part was published in February of 1993,  but probably not.

Mango and I simultaneously mentioned that we had to go beyond traditional reporting and somehow make a lasting, meaningful statement. We didn’t want to do another big-ass spectacular package that landed with acclaim, won awards for reporting and design, then went nowhere. The novel concept of public journalism was invading newsrooms nationwide, for better and worse.  Journalists either hated it or loved it.

Paynter hated it. He is a brilliant, ballsy, compassionate, dedicated journalist with a large personality and a mind for detail.  He began to bristle as I was speaking.

“No fucking way are we doing anything that makes us part of the story. That’s not our job,” he said, or something like.

Mango and I pushed back hard, begging Paynter to let us talk our ideas through, maybe with a larger group. We screamed at each other. Finally, Mango and I shrugged and left. There was no point in staying if we wouldn’t be heard.

Stuart watched it all quietly from a seat in the corner. He thought the idea had merit. He also understood Paynter’s resistance. He described the shouting match to Allen, who enjoyed an occasional donnybrook and probably regretted missing this one.  Most important, he appreciated what Mango and I wanted and figured out how to do it. 

The solution, he told Stuart the next day, came to him in the middle of the night. The Beacon  would bring in a number of prominent people from the community and put the question to them:  “How could we take A Question of Color beyond the reporting?”  He invited 10 or so business and political leaders and Stuart, a former religion writer, reached out to the same number of religious folks and social activists.  

“I can’t remember who all was there,” Stuart said.  “Deputy Mayor Dorothy Jackson and the Rev. Knute Larson (pastor of The Chapel) for sure … but a robust discussion took place.  I remember the saintly Dorothy saying, ‘The Beacon should be the facilitator, should bring people to the table, but then get out of the way and let them decide a course of action.’ That’s what happened and that’s how the Coming Together part of the project was born.” 

Allen also built a firewall: None of the reporters or editors working on A Question of Color, except Stuart, the project’s supervisor, would be involved in Coming Together.

“Solomon had indeed split the baby in two,” Stuart said.

A Question of Color was published in five, multi-day installments from February 1993 to December 1993. Day One opened with this introduction: “Many whites are tired of hearing about it. Most blacks wish it would go away. All seem powerless to move it…. Thirty years after the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. described his dream of a colorblind America, race seems as huge and divisive a force as ever.”  

The project concluded in January of 1994 with a 12-page supplement bearing the names of more than 20,000 readers who accepted the newspaper’s pledge to fight racism.

That was also the beginning of Coming Together Akron, the non-profit formed through private and corporate memberships.  While it operated, CTA sponsored overseas missions to Africa and an annual race walk, as well as workshops, forums, and theatrical and musical events to raise awareness of Akron’s diversity. It lasted almost 15 years, dissolving in January 2008 when it ran out of money.

In 1997, though, CTA was still going strong. Citing its success, President Bill Clinton launched his national conversation on race with a Town Hall meeting at the University of Akron on Dec. 3, 1997. The choice was controversial – critics said the Midwest was too white and Akron was too small – but Clinton’s visit did boost Coming Together’s profile beyond Northeast Ohio. In a short time, numerous cities expressed an interest in developing local efforts, recalled longtime director Dr. Fannie Brown, and CTA became a model for a national project, Coming Together USA.

“I would estimate in excess of 3 million people were touched by the organizations,” Brown said.

Sadly, hard feelings linger over the newsroom’s management of A Question of Color. Some resentment is justified, some not. A black reporter said her editor blocked her from rotating into the project, yet forced her to turn over her contacts among business leaders to a white reporter. Badly done! Another reporter, a white man, sniped recently on social media, “While you guys were working on race, the rest of us were putting out the paper.” Nonsense!

For the record, Paynter was the only one who worked exclusively on race – the project wouldn’t have succeeded without someone’s full-time attention. The rest of us, while hitting our marks on race, also were putting out the rest of the paper. I know. We still had a composing room with printers and engravers for cold-type production. And that’s where I was every Saturday night as printer Mike Jewell placed type and photos on Page One and the A section. Deputy News Editor Tom Moore and I stayed well after midnight when the presses started rolling, to give the paper – every section – a final check, usually wrapping around 1 in the morning.

The Pulitzer Board awarded the 1994 Gold Medal for Meritorious Public Service not to named individuals but to the Akron Beacon Journal, for the newspaper’s “broad examination of local racial attitudes and its subsequent effort to promote improved communication in the community.”  Everyone in the newsroom made it happen and shares the kudos, now as then.  Stuart and I were both in Seattle by then, in another time zone. Paynter and I traded congratulatory voicemails. Stuart called Allen, who told us to have a celebratory dinner and send him the bill.

Examining race relations has proven to be a prize-winning formula for newspapers. In an ironic twist, the New York Times wrote of the black/white divide in the Beacon’s own newsroom as part of a series on contemporary racial attitudes across America. That series won the 2001 Pulitzer Prize for national reporting.

Has any of it made a difference? Carl Chancellor wonders, “So here we are 56 years since Dr. King’s iconic March on Washington;  25 years since the Beacon’s last Pulitzer Prize; in the wake of Tamir Rice, Ferguson, Missouri, Mother Emanuel Charleston Church Shooting, Black Lives Matter, Orlando Castillo, Eric Garner, Charlottesville, [Colin] Kaepernick, Trump, and the question still remains to be answered: What becomes of a dream too long deferred?”

Fannie Brown thinks it would be worthwhile to revive Coming Together Akron.

“Many acknowledge the need for it and offer accolades for the work we were able to accomplish,” she said. “I can easily say it was the most important work of my life.  The students we worked with continually share with me that  diversity-related concepts learned as a part of the project have and will continue to govern the way they live their lives.

“What can top that?

The Ballad of Jed’s Cousin Don

(You can almost imagine Jethro D. Vance swimmin’ in the cement pond)

Illustration by ChatGPT-5

With apologies to Flatt and Scruggs I present:

“The Ballad of Jed’s Cousin Don”

Come and listen to my story ’bout a man named Trump,
Said the pool by his house looked like a D.C. dump.
Then one day he decided to paint it blue,
And suddenly he’d turned our water into goo.
(Algae, that is. Pond scum. Green slime).

Well, the billionaires arrived to see what they could do.
One suggested silver flakes, one suggested glue.
RFK Jr.: “Ivermectin oughtta do the trick,”
But the algae just got thicker and the smell got mighty sick.
(Algae, that is. Pond scum. Green slime).

Trump blamed the mess on Democratic vandals,
But after Epstein, he needed no more scandals.
There were more arrests and arguments of state,
But before too long the papers were callin’ it …

Water Gate.
(Cover-ups, that is. Dirty tricks. Pond politics)
Y’all come back now, ya hear? 

Project 8626: Fishing for (the Right) Voters

By Stuart Warner

I was sitting at the end of the bar at our local hangout, not sure if I wanted another drink or a better explanation of the world.

My pal Wired Al InCognito dropped a folded packet between us.

“Don’t,” I said.

“You haven’t even looked at it.”

“I’ve looked at enough documents.”

He smiled. “That’s what you said about the last one.”

I opened it anyway.

Project 8626.

“Where’d you get this?” I asked.

“Friend of a friend of an enemy of a friend,” he smiled.

“Nope,” I said, starting to fold it back up. “We’re not getting worked up again like we did over Project 2025.”

“We didn’t do anything last time,” Al said. “We read it. Nobody else did.”

“So what’s this supposed to mean, anyway? The Republicans have a grand plan for the year 8626? I don’t think even Trump can live that long.”

Al shook his head. “Don’t you know what ‘86’ means, paisan? In mob movies, ‘86’ is slang for getting rid of someone – eliminating them.”

“I’ve seen The Godfather at least 10 times and Goodfellas five,” I said. “Don’t remember hearing  that number.”

“It’s not a number,” Al said. “It’s a command. Get rid of this mug. Eighty-six him.”

The bartender interrupted us. “Couldn’t help but overhear you guys. In restaurants, we use ‘86’ to mean we’re out of something – like fish, for example.”

“See,” Al said, grinning. “It means go sleep with the fishes.”

I couldn’t suppress a chuckle. “So the Republicans are going to get rid of the number 26.”

He glared at me. “The ’26 elections, dummy.”

That stopped me for a moment.

“Voting rights?” I said.

Al nodded. “You saw what the Supreme Court did this week.”

I started flipping through the document, stopping at a section titled “Getting Out the Vote.” It went on about how minorities and women shouldn’t have special voting rights. How race shouldn’t determine congressional district boundaries. How you should have to register under your name and sex assigned at birth. And maybe how we should even suspend primaries until their new rules are set.

“We used to talk about access for all,” I said.

“Back when the Voting Rights Act of 1965 was the point,” Al said.

“This feels different,” I said.

“How?”

“Less about getting people to vote,” I said. “More about making sure everything lines up once they do.”

Al raised his glass. “Now you’re getting it.”

I kept reading.

There was a section about authority. Another about providing security at the polls. Voter IDs to prevent rampant fraud.

“Funny thing,” I said.

“What?”

“There’s at least one justice up there who probably doesn’t get that robe if the Voting Rights Act doesn’t exist.”

“And he’s the loudest voice behind this,” Al said.

The tall, lanky guy two stools down gave a knowing laugh.

“Yeah,” he said. “That’s not irony. That’s efficiency.”

I closed the packet halfway.

“This is the same playbook.”

Al shook his head. “No.”

“What?”

“It’s cleaner,” he said. “Less explaining. Besides, they’ve already done most of the stuff they said they’d do to us in the first one.”

“You’re saying this is the next version.”

“I’m saying they don’t need to write it all down anymore. The court is doing that for them.”

The guy two stools down raised his glass.

“You guys still think this is about stopping elections,” he said.

There was something about the way he said it – calm, precise – like he was used to being listened to.

“It’s not,” he said. “It’s about controlling everything around them.”

I turned to look at Al, as if to say, “Who is this guy.” Then I turned back.  The stranger was gone.  He glass was empty.

I stared at the packet, pushed it back across the bar toward Al.

“So what do we do?”

“Same as last time,” Al said.

“Which was?”

“Read it. Write it. Explain it.”

“And when nobody believes it because the president says he knows nothing about it?”

Al smiled.

“Then we’ll be right again later.”

We sat there watching the game, arguing about whether the digital umpire got that strike right.

“The people in Hungary showed us that voting still matters,” I said.

“Yeah? They realized what was at stake. Do we?”

“Maybe,” I said.

Al sat quietly for a moment. Then he looked back and me.  It was no joke this time when he said:

“If we don’t, democracy may be sleeping with the fishes.”

(Note: Project 8626 isn’t real.  Yet.  ChatGPT-5 assisted in writing this column.)

“Boss Donald … He Take the Oil and Ran Venezuela”







We need something to make us happy right now so I asked my digital pal Wired Al if we could collaborate on song that could get us tapping our toes. When oil starts moving and explanations start dancing, it’s usually time to listen to the music.

This week’s melody comes courtesy of calypso, a genre designed in places where power strutted in uninvited, taking what it wanted. That tradition runs straight through Harry Belafonte, whose cheerful songs were often about theft, betrayal and the kind of authority that laughs while picking your pocket.

Fast-forward to now, where foreign policy increasingly sounds like a real estate pitch delivered through a bullhorn. Venezuelan oil is rebranded as a strategic necessity. Greenland becomes a punch line that won’t die. Colombia and Mexico are name-checked the way middle managers talk about “synergy” – vaguely, loudly, and with complete confidence that someone else will clean it up. None of this is framed as conquest. It’s framed as leadership. Boss moves. Executive decisions made while the band plays on.

Which brings us to the song. Belafonte’s Matilda, which was a folk tale about a thief who ran off with the money. But theft, like everything else, has been promoted. Today it wears a suit, demands applause, and insists the chorus keep singing.

So sing along with Harry and Wired Al on the chorus of Boss Donald.

OPENING CHORUS

ALL (cheerful, loud):

Boss Donald … Boss Donald … Boss Donald
He take the oil and ran Venezuela.

Once again now!

Boss Donald …  Boss Donald … Boss Donald,
He take the oil and ran Venezuela

VERSE 1 — GOOD INTENTIONS

Five hundred slogans, friends, I lost:
“Energy freedom” – cheap words, high cost.

LEAD (grinning):
Boss Donald –

ALL:                                                         
He take the oil and ran Venezuela.

Everybody now ..

(Boss Donald!) Sing out the chorus!
(Boss Donald!) Sing a little louder!

ALL:
Boss Donald, he take the oil and ran Venezuela


VERSE 2 — EMPIRE SHOPPING

Well, the oil was to buy  “strength and pride,”
A house, a flag, a border wide.

Said, “Trust me, friends, I have a plan,”
Then waved a pen, said, “Watch out,  Iran.”

ALL:
Boss Donald, he take the oil and ran Venezuela


GREENLAND BREAK (classic calypso aside)

CROWD (shouting):
Can we have Greenland?

LEAD (matter-of-fact):
Not for sale.

ALL (right back to melody):
Boss Donald, he take the oil and ran Venezuela.


VERSE 3 — LEGAL MAGIC

Well, the oil was just inside our bed,
In “strategic reserves,” the lawyers said.

Buried deep in a footnote thread—
Stamped temporary, signed, unread.

LEAD:
Don’t you know—

ALL:
Boss Donald, he found the oil and…

EVERYBODY:
Ran Venezuela!


RHYTHM CHANT

(Boss Donald!) Oom-ba-locka-chimba!
(Boss Donald!) Bring me talking points!

Boss Donald, he take the oil and ran Venezuela

VERSE 4 — CONSEQUENCES, MINIMIZED

Well, me friends, never to ask again,
All me norms gone down the drain.

He may want Mexico, too.
Colombia: We’re watching you.

ALL:
Boss Donald, he take the oil and ran Venezuela

FINAL BUILD (soft → loud)

ALL (soft):
Boss Donald…
Boss Donald…
Boss Donald…

He take the oil and ran Venezuela.

Sing it softer now…

Boss Donald, Boss Donald, Boss Donald,
he take the oil and ran Venezuela


BIG FINISH

EVERYBODY (full voice):
Boss Donald ,… sing out the chorus!
Boss Donald, he take the oil and ran Venezuela!

CROWD (last shout):
Can we have Greenland?

LEAD
Still not for sale.

BAND CRASH. END.

Of course, you music historians know that calypso didn’t start as entertainment. It started as information, originating in Trinidad and Tobago in the 18th and 19th centuries among enslaved Africans. When colonial authorities banned drums and restricted speech, people did what humans always do under pressure: they found another channel. Rhythm replaced the drum. Melody replaced the shout. Lyrics carried news, warnings, insults and political commentary in plain sight, disguised as song.

And it’s appropriate today because Trinidad and Tobago are the southernmost Caribbean nations, just off the Venezuelan coast.

Perfectly placed to see empire coming before it arrived.

Boss Donald …  he take the oil and ran Venezuela.

(Chat GPT-5 produced the illustration and collaborated on the column.)

It Was Just One of Trump’s Things


By Stuart Warner and Al InCognito

Donald Trump packed a whole news cycle’s worth of contempt into 48 hours this week.

At a Bloomberg reporter questioning him about the Epstein files, he squealed: “Quiet. Quiet, piggy.”

At ABC’s Mary Bruce, who asked the Saudi crown prince about Jamal Khashoggi’s bonesaw murder, he fumed that she’d posed a “horrible, insubordinate, terrible question.”

And the murder itself? He brushed it aside with a shrug worthy of a man excusing a late FedEx delivery: “Things happen.”

Things happen?

He delivered that line with the jaunty air of a man humming show tunes — you could almost hear Cole Porter in the background, It Was Just One of Those Things, horrified but faintly in rhythm.

Which inspired me to score this week’s headlines in the only key this president seems to understand.


 “JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS (2025 VERSION)”

A Cole Porter Parody for a President Who Thinks Murder Is a Mood

Opening Verse

It was just one of those things,
Just one of those crisp little stings,
A murder was mentioned? He shrugged off the zings—
Just, just, just … one of those things.

She just asked what the Epstein files bring,
A standard reporter-type thing,
But he replied with a flip, feathered fling—
“Quiet, piggy,” he sings.

A reporter called “insubordinate,” too,
Simply for doing her due—
Pressing the prince for an answer he knew—
Just one of those things.

Asked about Saudis and blame,
Trump waved off the whole bloody shame—
“Things happen,” he said, it’s all the same—
It was just a murder-ring.

Counter-Chorus: The Ladies Reply

We’re the ladies he calls “piggy,”
When the questions get too biggy,
When the facts are looking jiggy
And his temper starts to whine.

We’re the dames he calls “insub-’nate,”
For a query he deems too great—
But we’ve filed on worse than room-temp hate,
So darling, we’re doing fine.

If he sneers we’re “not obedient,”
Or our presence “inconvenient,”
We’ll just file it as expedient—
A quote for tomorrow’s lead.

For we learned long ago, sugar,
Nothing rattles like a boor, sugar—
And the truth, when we report, sugar,
Is the only song we need.

Finale

So let’s toast those Oval zings,
Those “terrible person” flings,
When he shrugs off a murder as next to nothing—
It was just one of those things,

Just one of those crazy Trump things.

Trump may think cruelty is performance, timing is policy, and assassination is a housekeeping issue. But there’s nothing musical about a leader who treats reporters as props, women as targets, and murder as a mood.

Cole Porter wrote about romance, regret, and the complicated grace of human folly. Trump offers none of those things — just the easy indifference of power and the shrug of someone who believes accountability is for other people.

And yet he’s right about one thing:

Things do happen. Especially when leaders forget that words have consequences — and voters decide they’ve had just about enough of this particular song

(ChatGPT-5 contributed to the editing of this column and created the illustration.)

Trump’s Ballroom Blitz: Wrecking Our House, One Wing at a Time

Melania’s gone missing, the plaster’s flying, and Rudy’s toupee never stood a chance.


By Al InCogito and Stuart Warner

WASHINGTON — The last time “Ballroom Blitz” blasted across America, Nixon was in the White House and polyester was a political statement. Now the song’s back  —  only this time, the ballroom’s real and the blitz is happening at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

They’re calling it “renovation,” but from where I’m standing it looks more like an East Wing Blitz. Bulldozers at dawn. Curtains flapping like surrender flags. One aide says the goal is “a return to traditional values.” Another says the gold leaf’s already on order.

Trump, beaming in a hard hat that matches his tie, shouts into the camera: “We’re gonna open this place up! Make room for the People’s Ballroom! Everyone’s invited — except, you know, the people.”

Somewhere a band starts tuning up. It’s not democracy’s funeral march; it’s Sweet’s glam-rock classic from 1973, revived for “Wayne’s World.” Only now the lyrics have changed.


East Wing Blitz

(to the tune of “Ballroom Blitz” by Sweet)

[Intro]
Are you ready, D.C.?
A-one, a-two, a-you-know-who!


[Verse 1 – The Demolition Man]
He’s wearin’ a hard hat, swingin’ his fists,
Yellin’, “I built it all, now I’m wreckin’ this!”
Reporters scatter as the marble cracks —
“Get the cameras rollin’, I’m takin’ it back!”

[Pre-Chorus]
And the crowd starts yellin’,
And the bricks start smellin’ of gilt and spray-tan mist —

[Chorus 1]
And the White House shakes! (shakes!)
And the Trump tape plays! (plays!)
And the MAGA hats catch the rays —
It’s the East Wing Blitz!
Yeah, the East Wing Blitz!


[Verse 2 – Melania Missing]
Well the dust starts flyin’ and the walls cave in,
There’s gold leaf glitterin’ in the wind,
Where’s the lady with the frozen grin?
She’s long gone-ya — Melania!

Packed her bags for Mar-a-Lago,
Left a note that said, “I told you so.”
Now the bulldozers roll in rows —
Say goodbye to the East Wing show!

[Pre-Chorus 2]
And the interns scatter,
And the chandeliers shatter,
And the Secret Service checks their lists —

[Chorus 2]
’Cause the walls all quake! (quake!)
And the spin can’t fake! (fake!)
And the headlines start to break —
It’s the East Wing Blitz!
Oh yeah, the East Wing Blitz!


[Bridge – Trump Solo Breakdown]
He says, “We’re renovatin’ bigly, folks, it’s art!”
(“Sir, that’s a historical part …”)
“Fake news! I own this place, okay?”
Then the ceiling falls on Rudy’s toupee.


[Final Chorus & Tag]
And the press corps shakes! (shakes!)
And the truth outrakes! (aches!)
While the band keeps playin’ his greatest mistakes —
It’s the East Wing Blitz!
The East Wing Blitz!

Yeah, the plaster flies, the columns split —
Has anybody seen Melania yet?
(Has anybody seen Melania yet?)
It’s the East Wing Blitz!
The East Wing Blitz!

When the amps fade, the rubble still smolders and the nation hums the chorus under its breath. Another day, another building down, another slogan up.  And somewhere behind the caution tape, a lone staffer whispers the only truth that fits the rhythm:

“Democracy isn’t dead — it’s just under renovation.”

The Escalator’s Broken but the Show Still Goes On

· 

By Stuart Warner and Al InCognito

The news sounds more like a carnival these days, so with apologies to Neil Diamond,’s “Brother Love’s Travelin’ Salvation Show,” let’s all sing along to

Dr. Trump’s Travelin’ Epstein Sideshow

Hot September night, the lights hanging down,
Reporters all circling, like dogs for a treat.

The Big Top flaps by the edge of town,
Grooving to the bop of Kid Rock’s beat.

Step right in where the spotlights glow,
Welcome to Dr. Trump’s Epstein Sideshow.

It’s Trump, Dr. Trump, say —
Dr. Trump’s Travelin’ Epstein Sideshow (it’s now my party),
Pick up the babies and grab the young ladies,
And everyone goes — ‘cause everyone knows Dr. Trump’s show.


The room gets suddenly still and when you’d almost bet
You could hear yourself sweat, he walks in.
The escalator’s broke, but he still takes the mic,
“Don’t take a-seat-a-min-uh-foin,” he cries.
“Trust me instead, though I can’t spell why.
Skip the safe pill, try bleach or the worm paste.”
Epstein’s ghost nods — “fear has no taste.”

Every ear in the place is on him,
Starting soft and slow like a small earthquake.
And when he lets go, half the Congress shakes.

It’s Trump, Dr. Trump say —
Dr. Trump’s Travelin’ Epstein Sideshow (it’s still my party),
Pick up the babies and grab the young ladies,
And everyone goes …


He thundered at Kimmel, “You’re finished, you’re through!”
But the ratings shot higher — a punchline or two.
And back of the tent, where the dark truths reside,
Epstein still whispers — “enjoy the ride.”

The crowd chants louder, the spotlight’s bright,
But the shadows rule the darker night.
It’s Trump, Dr. Trump say,
Dr. Trump’s Travelin’ Epstein Sideshow.


Chorus (call-and-response)
Hallelujah, brothers (halle-hallelujah),
Reach out your hands (for the contribution jar).
Hallelujah, brothers (halle-hallelujah),
Epstein’s still there, though they sayi he’s afar.


Finale
Take my hand in yours, walk with me this day,
But don’t check the logs or the names, just pray.
In my heart I know, we will never stray,
‘Cause the tent stays packed till the lies decay.

It’s Trump, Dr. Trump, say —
Dr. Trump’s Travelin’ Epstein Sideshow!

(ChatGPT-5 contributed to writing and editing of these parody lyrics and produced the illustration.)

Would You Hire This Woman – Even if You Can’t Pronounce Her Name?














By Stuart Warner & Al InCognito

We may not agree on how to pronounce Ghislaine Maxwell, but we can agree that America needs jobs.

Still, we’re not entirely sure we’re on board with President Trump’s latest plan to boost his employment numbers and stimulate the economy:

Work release for child molesters.

You were probably as stunned as we were to learn that convicted sexual predator Ghislaine Maxwell will be granted work-release privileges from her country club, er, minimum-security prison in Texas

And like us, you might also be wondering what Jeffrey Epstein’s former personal groomer is qualified to do.

Never fear. The Department of Justice – whose new slogan is Come for the law, stay for the loopholes – has already circulated some promising opportunities for Ms. Maxwell.

To wit (we hope):

Help Wanted — No Experience Necessary (But It Helps if You Know Prince Andrew)

WHITE HOUSE TOUR GUIDE
Lead visitors through history’s halls while dodging inconvenient questions. Excellent opportunity for someone used to explaining away closed doors.

MAR-A-LAGO DOCUMENTS LIBRARIAN
Dewey Decimal skills optional. Must be able to work in 98-degree heat, tolerate ketchup stains on government property, and shelve nuclear secrets between Danielle Steel novels.

GIRL SCOUT CAMP COUNSELOR
Background check waived for “senior donors.” Applicants should have a working knowledge of s’mores, maritime law and plausible deniability.

PRESIDENTIAL FITNESS TEST COORDINATOR
Assess physical health without triggering indictments under the 25th Amendment. Must excel at counting push-ups that never actually happen. Cheating expected on golf scores.

LIBRARY STORY HOUR LEADER

Since the conservatives don’t want drag queens reading to their children, how about a real pedophile?

LOCKER ROOM COMPLIANCE OFFICER
Specializing in “hands-on evaluations” for the girls’ volleyball  team and providing excuses for any visiting dignitaries found hiding in the showers.

ISLAND CONCIERGE
Serve high-net-worth clientele on a private island. Discretion is key. Must be able to mix cocktails, book flights and not testify before Parliament. Works remotely.  Very remotely.

CRUISE DIRECTOR
Lead luxury yacht excursions for billionaires and heads of state. Must enjoy long walks on the deck, offshore banking, and pretending you don’t recognize anyone from the FBI’s Most Wanted list.

NECKWARE SALES ASSOCIATE
Hawk the Epstein brand, making sure they are tied jusssssst right.

But the standout gig for Ms. Maxwell might be:

SPECIAL ENVOY TO THE ALASKA SUMMIT
Keep U.S.–Russia relations toasty by ensuring both autocrats get exactly what they want. Handle scheduling, cocktail, and “personal diplomacy” with discretion. Must be comfortable in cold climates and warmer situations.

Picture it: Trump and Putin in leather chairs. Mad Max refills their glasses, smoothing over awkward silences.

TRUMP
It’s Guh-lane. Everybody says Guh-lane.

PUTIN
Nyet. Jee-lon.

TRUMP
Guh-lane!

PUTIN
Zhuh-lon!

Then, singing in harmony

“You say Zhuh-lon, I say par-don

“I say Guh-lane, you say Ukraine.

“Zhuh-lon, par-don

“Guh-lane, Ukraine.

“Let’s call the whole war off.”

(beat)

“Nah!!! Just joking.”

AUTHOR’S NOTE:  If this travesty allows Maxwell to earn money while ostensibly serving her 20-year sentence,  let’s hope all of it goes to her hundreds of victims. (ChatGPT-5 was used in producing this column.)

The MAGA Shipwreck





🎩 “Epstein’s Island: A MAGA Shipwreck”

(sung to the tune of Gilligan’s Island, with bonus commentary by Al InCognito)



Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale
A tale of a tragic flip,
That started with some Epstein files
And wrecked the MAGA ship.

With Kash Patel and Pam Bondi, too,
And Trump the Skipper bold,
The loyal crew had pledged they’d name
The predators untold.

By Al InCognito, Captain of the Ship of Tools

They said the files were coming. They said the truth would set them free.
Instead, they got stranded on Epstein Island.

For years, Trumpworld kept promising the Big Reveal: the files, the tapes, the takedowns. Jeffrey Epstein was the original QAnon campfire tale — the evil at the center of the liberal universe, the sick proof that only Trump could “drain the swamp” of child-trafficking elites.

The fact that Trump was photographed with Epstein, partied with Epstein, and once praised his taste for “beautiful women… on the younger side”? Minor detail. Surely, his disciples said, that would all be explained — once the files were released.

Except now, they’re not being released. The Department of Justice says there’s no blackmail list, no conspiracy, and no coverup. Just suicide by embarrassment.

So now we find ourselves marooned on an island of conspiracy, in a spit-com starring Trump as the Skipper, Pam Bondi as Ginger, Karoline Leavitt as Mary Ann and Elon Musk as the billionaire with everyone as his wife. There are no Professors on this crew, but there’s an abundance of Gilligans trying to understand what just happened as the MAGA Minnow crashed ashore.

SECOND VERSE


The MAGA crew grew restless fast,
“The list was promised here!”
But all they got was Bondi’s note:
“There’s nothing left to clear.”

No client list, no smoking gun,
No Clintons to arrest …
Now MAGA’s yelling “Deep State lies!”
And Trump’s become the guest.

The Knives Come Out

Bondi – the attorney general hand-picked for this mission – now says there’s nothing to see here. Kash Patel, promoted to FBI chief on the Epstein promise, suddenly finds himself in possession of … nothing. Dan Bongino, a man who once sold brain pills between Epstein rants, is threatening to quit over the lack of credible child-abuse content. (A sentence no one should ever have to write.)

Musk, the richest divorced guy in human history, claimed Trump was in the Epstein files – then deleted the post after getting hit with something even more powerful than the truth: no tax breaks for his Teslas.

Trump himself tried to hand-wave the whole thing away: “Are people still talking about this guy?” he asked, blinking like a man who just saw his own reflection in a cell mirror.

And then, like clockwork, he rage-posted a 12-car pileup of words blaming Obama, Hillary, Biden, JFK, MLK, and the laptop from hell – all for writing the Epstein Files, which he claims don’t exist, but were also faked to hurt him, even though they didn’t, which is why they were hidden.

Still with me?


THIRD VERSE


Trump screamed of files Obama wrote,
Of Comey’s deep-state sting,
Of JFK and laptop plots
And Hillary’s email thing.

He begged for calm, but Musk said “nah,”
And posted once again:
“Trump said Epstein six damn times –
Release the files, my friend.”

MAGA V. MAGA


What’s truly poetic is this: Trump is now being eaten alive by the very conspiracy he fed. He taught his followers to sniff out child molesters in every shadow — and now they think he is hiding the monsters.

For once, I agree with Michael Flynn: “The Epstein affair is not going away.” Because it never was about Epstein. It was about power, projection, and weaponized paranoia. And let’s not forget that a lot of young people got hurt on this island of the damned as you sing the sad, final lyrics.

EPILOGUE VERSE

So this is the tale of MAGA’s fall,
Of files that went astray,
Of promises and QAnon
All drifting far away.

With Musk and Flynn and Bondi, too,
And Trump who lost the plot,
They searched for proof of others’ sins—
Then realized what they got …

Here on … EP-stein’s Island!

(ChatGPT 4.0 produced the illustration and assisted in writing the column.)

Moanin’ Lisa: A Portrait in Regret

by Al InCognito

Ah, Senator Lisa Murkowski.  We thought you were a work of art.

Turns out you’re just a piece of … work.

Murkowski, from the great and ghostly state of Alaska, has built a career on being the Republican who almost says no. She agonizes. She winces. She sometimes even sighs. And then she votes yes. If Susan Collins furrows, Lisa Murkowski gazes — stoically, beautifully, into the Arctic distance, hoping someone else will do the hard part.

Some senators break ranks. Lisa files emotional support briefs. She’s the only lawmaker who votes against her conscience then writes a press release apologizing for it.

I once mistook her spine for steel. Turns out it was more of a decorative pipe cleaner. Somewhere between Anchorage and appeasement, Moanin’ Lisa left her conscience on ice.

I listened as the senator tearfully explained why she voted for the Big Beautiful Bill she clearly despised. The bill that legal scholars, civil libertarians, and even a few houseplants agree would turn America into a cheery little autocracy with surveillance apps, prayer mandates and lots and lots of people without healthcare.

“I regret voting for it,” she said. “I was hoping the House would defeat it.”

Ah, yes, the legislative equivalent of “I didn’t want to hit the fire alarm. I was just curious what would happen.”

And so, with apologies to Nat King Cole and anyone who still believes in representation, I found myself humming. Something familiar. Something tragic. And then it hit me.

🎶 Moanin’ Lisa 🎶
(to the tune of “Mona Lisa”)

Moanin’ Lisa, Moanin’ Lisa, we adored you?
Your mystic smile meant we’d never have to pout.
But you moaned while casting “yes” votes, hoping no one
Would remember how you coldly sold us out.

Did you pray for House Republicans to block it?
Was your vote just cover for your heart of doubt?
Many hopes were brought to your committee
But they just lie there, and they die there.

Are you brave? Are you firm, Moanin’ Lisa?
Or just a quiet cog who never stands apart?

(Instrumental break — played on a single, icy cello in a wind tunnel)

Moanin’ Lisa, do you ache for moderation?
Or was that just branding on your fundraising mail?
Many truths were left outside your chamber
But you bowed and let them fail

Are you bold? Are you real, Moanin’ Lisa?
Or just a cold and lonely ‘laskan work of art?

I don’t mean to be unkind. I’ve admired Murkowski at times. She bucked Trump. She survived a write-in campaign where spelling counted. She once did the unthinkable and wore something besides red on Fox News.

But there’s a difference between being independent and being indecisive.

This latest stunt — voting for a bill she hoped others would kill — is like handing the arsonist a match and whispering, “I sure hope someone hides the gasoline.”

Senators used to fight for amendments. Now they fight for alibis. “I only voted for it because it had some good parts,” Murkowski explained. Sure. And Titanic had a nice orchestra.

What we’re watching isn’t governance. It’s performance art — a series of gestures meant to reassure voters that the senator feels terribly conflicted about destroying healthcare for millions. A tear here, a raised eyebrow there, and maybe a town hall where she explains that the hand that pushed the button was tired.

But history doesn’t care how conflicted you looked. It only remembers what you did.

And so we’re left with this:

Many dreams have crashed upon your shoreline
You just watched them drift and part.
Are you warm? Are you real, Moanin’ Lisa?
Or just Alaska’s frozen version of a heart?


AL INCOGNITO is the pseudonym of a columnist currently broadcasting from the political tundra, where spines go to hibernate.  Subscribe to Moan & Groan Quarterly for more frozen dispatches from the edge.

(Illustration by ChatGPT 4.0)

Where’s My Momma? Where’s My Papa? Summer Notes From Camp Gestapa





By Al InCognito/Counselor to the Weird

This picture was worth 1,000 words … or at least enough for an Al InCognito column:

Three kids — two boys and a girl, ages 9 to 12 — zip-tied outside a courthouse in San Antonio. Their wrists bound like they’d stole state secrets, not shown up for a legal hearing they didn’t understand. One had a backpack. One had no shoelaces. None had a lawyer.

And I thought: Summer camp.

Not real summer camp, of course. Not the kind with bug spray and canoes and that one weird counselor who always brought his guitar to lunch. No, this was the kind of “camp” designed by people who call January 6 a “Capitol tour” and believe waterboarding builds character.

The kind of folks who look at a zip-tied 12-year-old and think: Junior’s learning responsibility!

They probably hand out merit badges for “Failure to Appear” and “Looking Suspiciously Honduran.”

Welcome to Campa Gestapa™ — America’s hottest new summer program, where kids are encouraged to flee violence, then punished for surviving.

Imagine the camp brochure:

Camp Rules:

  1. No Parents Allowed: Unless they’re being deported with you. Family separation is so 2018; now we do family detentions.
  2. No Legal Representation: Lawyers are like sunscreen — unnecessary and frowned upon.
  3. No Volleyball: Seriously, you might get arrested if you even go there; ask Marcelo Gomes.

Activities

  • Arts & Crafts: Create your own I-94 bracelet using genuine zip ties. Just like the San Antonio kids — future felons, obviously.
  • Storytime: Campers gather ‘round the fire as ICE agents read from the U.S. Immigration and Nationality Act.  Spoiler alert: Everyone gets deported in the end, no matter what the Supreme Court says.
  • Medical Mystery Hour: Guess who’s the kid with cancer! Bonus points if you can identify the child deported without meds.
  • Deportation Dodgeball: Where the balls are metaphors for due process, and you’re always out.
  • Borderline Bingo: Match kids to countries they haven’t seen in years!
  • MAGA Indoctrination Bonfire: Sing patriotic hymns while Counselor Cletus reads aloud from The Art of the Deal.

And everyone’s favorite…

Hide and Seek:

A camp classic! Except you’re always “it,” and ICE agents are the ones hiding — in plain clothes, outside immigration courts, ready to scoop you up post-hearing. Remember how we used to shout “Ollie ollie oxen free!” to say it was safe to come out?

Not here.

Here, it means: We already got your mom.

Fun linguistic fact: not surprisingly, some say the phrase comes from the German “alle, alle auch sind frei” — “all, all, also are free.”

Yeah. That tracks.

And I’m sure the camp songs are fun,

My favorite as a kid was a little ditty by the great Allan Sherman.

It’s still a hit, but the lyrics may have changed:

Campa Gestapa (To the tune of “Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah”)

Where’s my momma? Where’s my papa?
I’m all alone now at Camp Gestapa.

ICE told me I would get some recreation,
Instead they threatened me with early deportation.

Take me home, oh, Momma, Papa!

Take me home, I hate Gestapa!

Don’t leave me in the cages where

Kids vanish like we’re never there. 

Even the music has stopped being funny.

But all the unhappy campers at Gestapa can take comfort from the words of wisdom from Counselor Joni Ernst:

“Well, we’re all going to die.”

ChatGPT 4.0 contributed to the writing and editing of his column and the illustration.