Stuart Warner can help you write books, write narrative journalism or just write better
Author: Mr. Write Coach
Stuart Warner can help you become a better writer. Warner has developed a national reputation as an editor and journalism teacher. He has written or edited three Pulitzer Prize-winning entries and edited three other Pulitzer finalists As the writing coach at The Plain Dealer in Cleveland, he edited stories than won more than 50 national awards.
Currently, Warner teaches journalism at Case Western Reserve University and is a regular contributor to AOL.com. He has been honored numerous times for his own writing. He has also been invited to speak on writing at the Nieman narrative conference at Harvard, the Let’s Do It Better conference at Columbia University, the National Writers Workshop sponsored by the Poynter Institute, the IRE’s national Computer Assisted Reporting workshop and at Capitolbeat, the national seminar for state government reporters.
He has also worked with the writers at a number of companies, including Politifact, Key Bank, Signal Cleveland, the Akron Beacon Journal, Cleveland Jewish News, Akron General Hospital and also taught at Cleveland State University.
Just when you think we’ve reached peak parody, President Trump finds a way to add English subtitles to Triumph of the Will and call it immigration reform.
This week, his administration granted refugee status — yes, I said, REFUGEE STATUS — to 59 white South Africans. Apparently, they’re fleeing racial discrimination, land redistribution, and the unbearable hardship of not being in charge for five full minutes.
Let’s be clear: America has rejected pregnant Honduran women, Afghan allies, and climate refugees who had the audacity to float here on doors. But give us your pale, your privileged, your subtly sunburned yearning to feel relevant again — and we’ll fire up the welcome committee faster than you can say “reverse racism.”
This isn’t just immigration policy. It’s cosplay for colonizers.
Forget asylum seekers from war-torn regions. We’ve got a new standard:
Do you speak Afrikaans?
Do you miss “the good old days” when your driveway was longer than your neighbor’s lifespan?
Do you have a family crest, but no Wi-Fi?
“Congratulations. You’re now a victim.”
And don’t be surprised if next week we open the floodgates for:
A lost colony of Nazis from Patagonia
Confederate holdouts from Brazil
Or the original cast of Friends, seeking sanctuary from diversity
Because this isn’t about helping the oppressed — it’s about helping the dispossessed gentry.
The tantrum class.
The people who think Cry, the Beloved Country was too hard on the landowners.
Maybe we can fly them here on Trump’s new ride: a $400 million luxury jet from Qatar with nine bathrooms, including several bidets. A gift, a loan, a bribe? Who knows. But it’s big enough to carry a full choir of white grievance and still have room for a tanning bed and an indictment printer.
And yes, Qatar. Spelled with a Q that doesn’t even need a U. Just like Trump, these people are too rich to follow the rules, too fragile to be questioned.
What’s next? A South African resettlement office in Boca Raton? A Boer burger franchise? A MAGA safari in the Ozarks?
Of course, we’ve already granted asylum, or sainthood, to the biggest white South African of them all: Elon Musk.
He fled the oppression of apartheid-era emerald mines to bring us flamethrowers, Dogecoin, and a social media platform so broken that users say they’d rather buy a newspaper. He’s living proof that if you arrive early enough, buy a few billion-dollar companies, and name your children after algebra problems — we’ll not only let you stay, we’ll treat you like a prophet.
So maybe this is the new immigration policy:
Give us your moguls, your memelords, your minor Bond villains.
Especially if they’re white, rich, and deeply misunderstood by “woke science.”
Because under Trump, refugee status doesn’t mean you were in danger, it just means you missed being in charge.
And nothing says crisis like having to share the country club.
So it’s official: Donald J. Trump will celebrate his 79th birthday with a military parade down Pennsylvania Avenue – because nothing says “mentally fit for office” like spending $100 million on tanks, flyovers and Bible twirlers while half the country eats ramen with the lights off.
And look, I held my daughter’s fifth celebration at Chuck E. Cheese. This is worse.
The plan is reportedly full-scale: cannons, marching bands, maybe a reenactment of January 6 with better choreography. It’s Trump’s wet dream – not to be president, but to be wrapped in bunting, waving from a float shaped like a Diet Coke.
But this isn’t new. We’ve seen it before. This is The Music Man – if Professor Harold Hill had bigger hair, carried a Sharpie, and embossed his name on the trombones.
Only this time, we’re River City. The marching band is real. And the grift comes with executive orders.
The MAGA Man Arrives
Like Hill, Trump rolls into town warning of trouble. Not pool halls – but drag queens, pronouns, windmills, and any book that hasn’t been pre-chewed by Moms for Liberty. He sells fear with a grin, then offers himself as the only solution. No flute lessons – just flags, merch, and a social media platform built for shouting into voids.
As for Marian, well Melania’s no librarian. But it seems she’s checked out.
And just like the original, there’s a choir of enablers:
Jim Jordan, the sweaty school board president
Peter Navarro, selling uniforms out of a truck
And yes – Little Marco Rubio in the Ronnie Howard role, clutching a tiny trombone and trying to get noticed while the big kids throw copies of the Constitution into a wood chipper
And now he’s marching again.
Not to River City, Iowa – but down Pennsylvania Avenue, with all the subtlety of a foghorn in a Baptist church.
Because folks, we got trouble.Right here in MAGA City. Trouble with a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for Parade. A parade of power, paranoia and pyrotechnics. Not governance – performance. Not policy – pageant. It’s not leadership. It’s cosplay for strongmen.
So in honor of Trump’s big-budget, small-soul birthday bash, I offer this modest rewrite of a familiar tune (feel free to hum along):
76 Billionaires Led the Big Parade (With apologies to Meredith Willson)
76 billionaires led the big parade, With 110 MAGA hats close at hand. Grifters rode atop the floats, hawking ballots for fake votes, And merch for ev’ry sucker in the land.
76 fake electors caught the morning sun, With subpoenas fluttering in their wake. There were bros in camo gear, waving Bibles and warm beer, And flags too big for Fox News to mistake.
There were gold-plated golf carts in red platoons, Thundering, thundering down the avenues. Euphoniums shaped like guns, gifts from Elon’s funds, And backs adorned with Roger Stone tattoos.
There were fireworks and pardons in the air, Booming, booming like a Mar-a-Lago speech. Trump’s Bible Drill Team spun with flair, quoting verses that weren’t there, And ignoring ev’ry part about the meek.
76 billionaires led the big parade, As the tax code cried softly from the curb. With Proud Boys throwing beads, Truth Social pushing screeds, And cardboard Melanias looking so superb.
Then Trump modestly took his place, On a throne of cheeseburgers and spite. And he oompahed through the square, hands high, wind in his hair— And declared it the greatest parade… in sight.
When the Music Stops
In The Music Man, the town eventually sees through Harold Hill – but they forgive him, because he gave them a dream. A fantasy that made them feel better about themselves for a little while.
Trump doesn’t offer dreams. He offers delusion.
And this parade? It’s not just a celebration – it’s a warning wrapped in bunting, with a marching band playing “God Bless America” slightly off-key.
Because when the cannons stop and the confetti settles, we’ll be left with the bill. The band will be gone. And the MAGA Man will still be there – winking from the reviewing stand, waiting for applause.
I apologize for oversleeping Monday and missing the celebration of President Trump’s second first 100 days in office. I don’t like round numbers anyway. I prefer to celebrate the odd ones, like today, day 101 of the sequel most of us hadn’t bargained for. Sort of has a Cruella DeVille feel to it, which is fitting for the accomplishments of current administration.
So take a look all these puppies proffered by Trump World so far and see if you can determine which will hunt, which are sorta true and which are as truthful as Trump is.
In his first 101 days, Trump has:
1. Renamed the Gulf of Mexico the Gulf of America.
2. Banned the penny and closed the Lincoln bedroom.
3. Declared “Missionary Position” his preferred diplomatic strategy.
4. Bought a Tesla even after it had been rebranded “the Swasticar.”
5. Ended the War on Christmas his first day in office.
6. Removed Jackie Robinson from the Department of Defense website.
7. Suggested the Cleveland Browns draft Shedeur Sanders in return for Republican financing of a new stadium.
8. Replaced the scientists at NOAA with Sharpies.
9. Said children will have to only get two dolls each this Christmas. But if they are both Kens, you may be subject to deportation.
10. Blamed DEI for the D.C. plane crash.
11. Proposed putting Stormy Daniels on the 69-cent stamp.
12. Claimed the founding fathers would’ve voted for him — “especially Jefferson, because of the France thing.”
13. Reduced Al’s Required Minimum Distribution by shrinking his 401(k).
14. Made Joe Biden seem spry by falling asleep at the Pope’s funeral.
15. Renamed the Mexican Hat Dance the MAGA Two-Step..
16. Proposed turning war-torn Gaza into a resort for the rich.
17. Declared it fake news that he copyrighted the term “fake news.”
18. Did not rule out Lindsay Graham’s suggestion that he should be a candidate for pope.
19. Told Congress he wanted to build a “Freedom Wall” along the Canadian border to keep Americans from leaving.
20. Hawked Trump sneakers, Bibles and meme coins.
21. Declared Juneteenth as the “Woke Fourth of July.”
22. Proposed $5,000 each to families for new babies; $10,000 if it’s his.
23. Said he would take a vaccine to prevent himself from talking like Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
24. Created the Department of Patriotic Math to count only the votes he likes.
25. Made major campaign contribution to Liberal Party Prime Minister in Canada.
26. Proposed a White House hot tub. Called it “the Situation Room, after hours.
27. Made homes in Palm Springs cheaper by scaring Canadians into leaving.
28. Said he knew nothing about Project 2025. Hired the author of Project 2025 to run the Office of Budget Management. But still hasn’t read document. Just signs its passages as executive orders.
29. Inspired a new take on an old joke: A Russian spy, a rapist and a convicted felon walk into a bar. Bartenders says, “Hello, Mr. President.”
30. Blamed Hillary Clinton for Pete Hegseth’s Signal chat.
31. Fired 280,000 federal workers, then had to rehire many of them.
32. Made people feel sorry for the IRS.
33. Proved that it only takes one Trump to screw in a light bulb. He just stands in the middle of the room and the rest of the world revolves around him.
34. Declared war on windmills. Called them “bird blenders with cancer rays.”
35. Apologized to the Blowfish after ordering an attack on the Houthis.
36. Demanded Apple replace Siri with a version that sounds like Sean Hannity.
37. Won his golf championship after the other guy dropped out.
38. Pardoned everyone who pooped in Nancy Pelosi’s office.
39. Made America Safe Again by deporting a 4-year-old cancer patient.
40. Renamed a Senate dining room dish “Turtle Soup” in Mitch McConnell’s honor
41. Proposed tariffs on papal indulgences.
42. Canceled Lawrence Welk’s appearance at the Kennedy Center after learning the bandleader is dead.
43. Showed skeptics at pope’s funeral that he does indeed sleep next to Melania.
44. Cut veterans’ benefits while saying “no one loves them more.”
45. Replaced diversity training with mandatory Bible study. Leviticus now counts as HR compliance.
46. Inspired “New Rule” by Bill Maher: Trump’s not as crazy as I am for having dinner with him.
47. Replaced the Associated Press at White House briefings with Marjorie Taylor Greene’s boyfriend.
48. Replaced Air Force One’s safety manual with a copy of The Art of the Deal.
49. Made Progressives applaud the Dallas Cowboys for not visiting the White House for three decades.
50. Banned transgender people from the military. Apparently they “don’t fit the vibe” of his new Space Force dress code.
51. Encouraged Chuck Schumer to show America how to lead from behind.
52. Improved the economy by boosting alcohol sales — especially at the Department of Defense.
53. Refused to rule out deportation for anyone who attacked a Tesla.
54. Suggested renaming the Virgin Islands. Said they “needed to grow up.”
55. Placed tariffs on all penguin merch.
56. Issued executive order to remove “Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor’s Wife” from the Ten Commandments.
57. Declared English the official language of the United States — finally ending centuries of confusion at Waffle House.
58. Tried to trademark “God Bless America.”
59. Threatened to cancel his Amazon account if Jeff Bezos revealed how much tariffs were costing customers.
60. Suggested the moon landing was fake but promised to land there himself in 2028 — “and make it great again.”
61. Said he’d have done better at the Last Supper — “less bread, more branding.”
62. Proposed a $100 million military parade for his 79th birthday, prompting Congressman Steve Cohen to introduce legislation aimed at preventing taxpayer dollars from funding presidential birthdays.
63. Forced Japanese tourists to surrender their iPhone cameras.
64. Ordered all truck drivers to pass an English literacy test, which could create real problems in Kentucky, Tennessee and Mississippi.
65. Declared sainthood for himself. Said he had “two miracles — the ratings and the recount.”
66. Proposed banning abortion pills, drag queens, and rainbow-colored Skittles. Claimed “they’re all part of the same agenda.”
67. Suspended all aid to countries with too many vowels.
68. Commissioned a new Bible, with pictures.
69. Signed an executive order titled “Keeping Men Out of Women’s Sports,” because, well, you know there are almost a dozen transgender athletes in the NCAA.
70. Put tariffs on Girl Scout cookies. “Except the thin mints. I love the thin mints.”
71. Reclassified Mickey Mouse and other Disney characters as terrorists.
72. Declared that there are only two kinds of gender reveals – pink and blue, no rainbow.
73. Demanded NATO fight crime in Chicago.
74. Claimed to have a trade agreement with Narnia.
75. Declared the his second first 100 days the greatest by any president.
Okay, like Trump, I lied. I haven’t got 101 one-liners yet, but maybe you can help me fill out the list.
This year’s Easter message from President Donald J. Trump set a new standard in the category of weaponized holiday greetings. He’s the only person who can turn a Hallmark moment into a hostile takeover.
Instead of focusing on resurrection and renewal, Trump opened with a blistering attack on “corrupt prosecutors,” “fake judges,” and, of course, “Joe Biden’s open-border Easter Bunny amnesty plan.” He ended with, “Happy Easter to everyone — even the losers trying to put me in jail.”
Naturally, this got Al wondering: If this is how he does Easter, what about the rest of the calendar? Turns out, Trump might already have a whole greeting card line ready to go. Here’s a sneak preview from the “Make America Grate Again” Holiday Collection:
🗳️ Memorial Day
“We honor our brave heroes, especially the ones who voted for me. Unlike the generals Biden keeps hiring — those guys and especially the gals couldn’t organize a picnic, let alone a war. And Crooked Hillary would’ve replaced Arlington with a wind farm. I built the strongest military. Then they made it woke. SAD! Give me real soldiers like Pete Hegseth, who only leaks classified intel when there’s a camera around.
🌟 Independence Day
“Happy Fourth to all TRUE Americans. John McCain was a loser, Obama never celebrated this country, and Biden thinks patriotism is a microaggression. We’ll be independent again — from windmills, wimpy shower heads, immigrants, and Mitch McConnell’s sleepy leadership.”
💪 Labor Day
“I’ve done more for the working man than any president. I invented tariffs. I saved steel. Joe Biden wants you driving electric cars built by drag queens. Schumer thinks hard hats are a hate crime. I once carried a lunch pail. It was gold-plated.”
🌳 Arbor Day
“Arbor Day is fine. I like the good trees — the tall ones, the loyal ones. But let’s face it, many trees are in the way. California has all these fires — probably Antifa trees. And we can’t drill for oil if we’re babysitting a forest. My plan? Trump Trees. Big. Strong. Quiet. With nuts. Unlike the ones Biden plants.”
🎃 Halloween
“Trick-or-treating is great, but no masks. The radical Left used Halloween to test their Fauci lockdowns. Candy corn is woke. And no AOC costumes. Obama always gave out raisins. DISGRACEFUL.”
🍁 Thanksgiving
“Happy Thanksgiving to real Americans who know the Pilgrims came here legally. Biden invited 100 million illegals with pumpkin-scented amnesty. Hillary would’ve served plant-based stuffing and blamed the turkey for inflation.”
🛒 Black Friday
“Deals, deals, deals! I invented the art of the deals. I love Black Friday but we should rename it White Friday because that’s who’ll be out shopping. But not for that Chinese garbage. Only American-made products — like these fabulous MAGA golf shoes, Ivanka’s new perfume, and the Truth TV subscription box. Hillary shops at Whole Foods. I shop for freedom.”
🍄 Hanukkah
“Happy Hanukkah to the Jewish people who remember I moved the embassy to Jerusalem — unlike Biden, who can’t move a sentence. I did more for Israel than Moses. Chuck Schumer? He’s still figuring out how to use a dreidel.”
🎄 Christmas
“It’s called CHRISTMAS, not Happy Holidays, OK? Obama banned nativity scenes, Biden tried to nationalize the North Pole and Hillary once called Santa ‘a gendered symbol of capitalism.’ I saved Christmas. Santa endorsed me. Twice.”
🎉 New Year’s Day
“Happy New Year to all my supporters — and to the losers, cheaters, and backstabbers who said I’d be done in 2020: guess again! Biden’s resolution was to remember where he lives. Mine? Take back the White House, fire the Deep State, and fix the country in under 90 days. 2026 will be my year — and maybe, just maybe, J.D. Vance will stop blinking like he’s trapped in the Vatican gift shop.”
🌎 Bonus Cards for Trump’s Favorites
To Hillary Clinton: “Still waiting on that concession speech. Hope you kept the receipt.”
To Obama: “Worst Netflix deal in history. I had better ratings on The Apprentice.”
To Kamala Harris: “Happy Whatever-Holiday-She’s-Explaining-Laughing-About. She’s in charge of the border, right? Still? Feels like she’s been on mute since 2021. Her job performance has been so invisible, we’re considering her for Christmas Eve.”
To Chuck Schumer: “How can a guy from Brooklyn have so little flavor?”
To Mitch McConnell: “Thanks for the judges. Now retire. People want strength, not turtle soup.”
Final Thought From Al
So if you’re waiting for peace, unity, or a warm holiday wish, don’t hold your breath. Trump’s calendar has no seasons — just grievances.
Because somewhere, at Mar-a-Lago, a man in a red hat is looking at a Christmas tree and asking: “Can we build a wall around Kwanzaa?”
(The artificial intelligence program ChatGPT Pro was used to produce this column)
The latest episode of the Trump Terrors involves a government whistleblower named Daniel Berulis, an IT staffer at the National Labor Relations Board (NLRB). According to Trump’s least favorite Rhodes Scholar, Rachel Maddow, and the likely soon-to-be-banned news service Reuters, Berulis says he has evidence that Elon Musk’s tech team was granted sweeping access to sensitive case files.
Then it gets weird.
Berulis received a threatening note taped to his door — complete with drone surveillance stills of him walking his dog and private info only someone deep inside the system could know. In other words: the kind of thing that happens right before George Clooney shows up in a wool coat with a USB drive and a thousand-yard stare. In fact, as Al’s Pal Jeff from Texas suggested, it does sound like a Clooney movie.
So, by George, I thought, why not make it one?
“The Heist Bureau”
Written and directed by George Clooney A Smokehouse Pictures Production
Tagline: They said they wanted to drain the swamp. Turns out, they wanted to bottle the water and sell it back to us.
Genre: Political thriller meets dark comedy. Think Three Days of the Condor meets Wag the Dog.
Act I: The Quiet Leak
Clooney plays Daniel Berulis, a weary federal IT guy at the NLRB who notices strange login activity from a group called DOGS — the Department of Government Shysters. They’re supposed to “modernize” government, but their HR files are blank and their USB drives are blinking.
When huge chunks of data start disappearing into offshore voids, Berulis does the unthinkable: he calls a journalist. Then the doorbell rings.
Scene: “IRS Karaoke Night”
In a seedy D.C. karaoke bar, Berulis meets a disillusioned IRS data analyst (played by Paul Giamatti). She’s singing “I Will Survive” between bites of fried pickles.
She slides him a flash drive labeled Refund Reaper v3.7.
“They’re not looking for fraud, Danny. They’re looking for patterns. Metadata. Movement. Preferences. They’re building a consumer electorate.”
She takes a sip and adds:
“Tell the public? Good luck. Last guy who tried that got put on a no-fly list and banned from FroYo.”
Act II: The Heist Revealed
Berulis is now the hunted. Drones circle. A break-in nearly catches him off guard. He realizes the IRS, DOJ, even his own agency, are compromised.
The journalist (Jodie Comer? Oscar Isaac?) uncovers that DOGS is a private tech unit embedded across federal agencies, mining public data under the guise of efficiency — not for safety, but for profit.
Scene: “The Leak Goes Live”
In a community college basement in Akron, Berulis, the journalist, and a ragtag crew — a retired Medicare claims processor, a student coder, and a disgraced HUD analyst — upload everything to a secure leak site.
Journalist: “You sure this is the right move?”
Berulis: “No. But it’s the last one we’ve got.”
#DataHeist starts trending. Cut to DOGS HQ: a screen flashes Public Access: GRANTED. Printers around D.C. start spitting subpoenas.
Act III: Resistance Goes Viral
A decentralized army of librarians, grandma coders, and rogue feds join in. The story explodes, culminating in a live-streamed Senate hearing.
Scene: “The People’s Data”
Senate Committee on Data Privacy.
Berulis testifies. A smug DOGS exec dodges questions. Republican senators deflect with talk of immigration. One Democrat tries to sound serious but bland.
Then enters Senator Cortez:
“Let me ask this plainly: Why was a private entity embedded in the IRS, CMS, NLRB, and HUD with unrestricted access and zero oversight?”
No one answers.
She slams her folder shut:
“This wasn’t modernization. This was monetization. This wasn’t about protecting the taxpayer. It was about harvesting the taxpayer.”
Gallery erupts. DOGS exec calls his lawyer. Clooney just sips water. At least we think it’s just water.
Closing Scene: “Do We Still Have a Constitution?”
Berulis sits on a porch in his native Kentucky, sipping bourbon, Leon at his feet.
Journalist: “So what now?”
Berulis: “We don’t stop the machine. We just make it stutter loud enough for someone to notice.”
Cue mandolin version of Fortunate Son. Credits roll over leaked memos and resignation letters.
One final shot: In an outtake from the film, Clooney is back at the karaoke bar, crooning:
“They’ve given me a number, and taken away my name…”
Coming soon, maybe. Or already playing.
Either way, Al’s watching.
(The ChatGPT Plus artificial intelligence program was used in the production of this article. @copyright 2025, Mr. Write Coach LLC.)
I thought satire was dead. Then I read that our Department of Justice for All Who Agree With Us proclaimed that a Maryland father wrongly deported to El Salvador could return to the U.S. — if he shows up at a port of entry.
Sure, Kilmar Abrego Garcia is sitting in a Salvadoran prison, one of those concrete mega-cages built to house MS-13 gang members. But rules are rules. Just crawl through the jungle, swim the Rio Grande, show your ID to the border agent, and say: “Hi, I’ve escaped political limbo and would like to reclaim my civil liberties.”
George Orwell once warned us that truth would become whatever the government said it was. Back then, that sounded dystopian. Now it just sounds like Tuesday — with better branding.
Welcome to 2025, where the dictionary is more endangered than the planet, and reality is being edited by people who think “1984” was a blueprint — not a cautionary tale.
Let’s look at the Orwellian Greatest Hits (2025 edition):
WAR IS PEACE In Project 2025, Russia isn’t our enemy — it’s a misunderstood business partner. Ukraine? Probably started the war against itself.
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY Protesting in public? Suspicious. Wearing a mask while protesting? Federal offense. Expressing political views online? Might get you a knock from the Truth Enforcement Squad.
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH Schools must stop “indoctrinating” children with dangerous ideas like history, diversity, and science.
DIVERSITY IS DIVISION DEI programs must be dismantled — not because they’re ineffective, but because they work. Folks not like us were getting jobs.
COMPETENCE IS SUSPICIOUS Elon Musk is turning Project 2025’s wet dream into reality – reclassifying tens of thousands of federal workers as fireable “at will” employees — so they can be replaced with folks who passed the only test that matters: unwavering loyalty to the Big Guy.
LAW IS LOYALTY In the Project 2025 era, “law and order” means jailing your enemies, pardoning your allies and ignoring the Supreme Court when it says no. Rule of law is great — as long as the ruler is right.
And if all that sounds too absurd to be true, well… that’s the genius of Trumpspeak. Say the opposite of what is true, say it loudly, say it often — and eventually, someone will believe the dictionary is woke.
Meanwhile, Project 2025 — the conservative blueprint for unmaking democracy in 900 pages or less — reads like a field manual for the Ministry of MAGA, complete with its own Newspeak glossary:
“Personnel is policy” Translation: Fire everyone who might stop us from doing something illegal. Replace them with true believers and unpaid interns named Connor.
“Restore the rule of law” Translation: Immunity for our friends, prison for our critics, and a constitutional amendment declaring Trump’s birthday a federal holiday.
“Reclaim traditional values” Translation: Turn the Department of Education into a Sunday School. Preferably one where books are banned and gym class teaches duck-and-cover drills for satire.
“Streamline government” Translation: Fire the analysts, shut down the watchdogs, and put one guy named Randy in charge of national cybersecurity. He’ll be fine.
And don’t forget the Ministry of Family Values, where the definition of “parental rights” depends entirely on whether you’re trying to ban a library book or teach your kid that slavery happened.
Of course, no modern dystopia is complete without its Ministry of Information — and in this case, we’ve improved on Orwell’s concept. Why destroy the truth when you can just drown it in AI-generated op-eds, ragebait tweets, and cable news panels moderated by reality-optional hosts.
All of which brings us back to Kilmar Abrego Garcia — the Maryland father imprisoned abroad while our Justice Department insists he’s free to return … if he can just show up.
This is what happens when Big Brother has a combover:
Lies don’t just become truth. They get better hair and a podcast.
BONUS SECTION IF YOU’VE READ THIS FAR
Excerpt from the Ministry of MAGA’s 2025 Newspeak Dictionary
Diversity (n.) — A radical plot to make lunchrooms more interesting. Freedom (n.) — The ability to agree with leadership. Truth (n.) — Any statement that includes “many people are saying.” Socialism (n.) — Anything that helps someone who isn’t you. Grooming (v.) — Reading books about people who exist. Election Integrity (n.) — The process of declaring victory first and counting later. Fake News (n.) — Journalism. Parent’s Rights (n.) — The right to approve your neighbor’s kid’s curriculum. Woke (adj.) — A magical word used to ban things without explaining why.
Somewhere, Orwell is spinning in his grave. Probably because he was just reassigned by the Heritage Foundation to write the new civics textbook:
“Freedom Is What We Say It Is: A Patriotic Guide to Obedience.”
(The artificial intelligence program ChatGPT Pro was used to produce this column.)
By 1967, Jock Sutherland had established himself as one of Kentucky’s most successful high school basketball coach. It was time to return to his alma mater, Lafayette High, as head coach. And he soon found two talented kids on the playground at Southland Park, Gary Waddell and Greg Austin. This is an excerpt from JOCK: the Quickest Thinking Coach in America. Available at this link.
By Stuart Warner
Fall of 1967
The Sutherlands were on the move again. In just over a year they had lived in three Kentucky cities — Cynthiana, Madisonville and now Lexington. Each time, they left behind old friends, made new ones. Neither Jock Sutherland’s wife, Snooks, nor the boys, complained. This was the life of a basketball coach’s family. They all accepted that. Charlie was 15 now, getting ready for high school. Glenn was 12, about to start the seventh grade. That summer, they moved temporarily into a house on Zandale Drive in Lexington, owned by one of Jock’s college buddies, C.M. Newton, who was away in Florida running his summer basketball camps. Newton, who had played for Adolph Rupp at Kentucky, was the head basketball coach at Transylvania University, a small private school in Lexington. One of Sutherland’s star players at Harrison County, Ronnie Whitson, had just completed an outstanding career as a four-year starter for Newton there. The two coaches had maintained a close relationship, both personally and professionally, for the past 15 years, but this was the first time they were together again in Lexington since college.
The Lexington that Jock returned to that summer of 1967 was nothing like the place he knew as a child. The combined population of the city and Fayette County had increased by more than 100,000 since 1940, now totaling almost 175,000 residents. The University of Kentucky and the tobacco and thoroughbred industries were still major employers, but IBM had brought thousands of jobs to the area, producing the latest in business technology, the Selectric type-writer. Most of that growth was south of the city limits, toward Lafayette High School. A shopping strip that stretched almost a half-mile was just a few blocks away from the Lafayette campus. And prosperous consumers discovered a new Mecca not far away — the county’s first mall, Turfland.
The baby boomers were now in their teens, forcing rapid expansion of the county’s school system. When Sutherland attended Lafayette, it was the only public white high school in the county system. The county closed its only black school, Douglass High. But Bryan Station High School on the north end of the county opened in 1958. And by 1965, Lafayette’s district was still so large that another high school, Tates Creek, was constructed in the southeastern corner of the county. Even with the split district, Lafayette was the largest school in the state, educating 2,200 students in grades 10 through 12.
These were not farm kids with chores to do. They had plenty of time for recreation.
Summer days found hundreds of them congregating at Southland Park, a 50-acre patch of land surrounded by a sea of three- and four-bedroom, all-brick homes on quarter-acre lots. The park’s new Olympic-sized pool was so crowded that you couldn’t swim. You just stood in the water and ogled all the teenage flesh splashing around you. Nobody seemed to mind.
There was a Little League baseball field at one end of the park and a full- size diamond for Pony League, American Legion and slow-pitch softball at the other. In between was a full-length, lighted basketball court where the sweat poured almost every night. Younger kids got to play early in the evening, but only the area’s best white high school and college players got into the game after the sun went down.
It didn’t take Sutherland long to find Southland Park. And two kids he found there stood out — for much different reasons; two kids who craved someone like Sutherland in their lives — for much different reasons.
The first time Jock saw Greg Austin, the young athlete was bare-chested, wearing a German helmet and running away from several animated girls at Southland. Austin seemed to embrace the free spirit style of the era. We all thought he was the coolest guy in the world. Austin was 6-foot-3, 180 pounds and probably the best all-around athlete in Kentucky. He was the state cham- pion in the triple jump as a junior, an all-state quarterback in football and had been the team’s leading scorer in basketball as a junior. He dated the school’s head cheerleader and played a mean guitar as well. How much more perfect could life be for a teenager in 1967? But not everything was as it appeared.
Sports was Austin’s refuge from a strained relationship with his father, who often disappeared for a year or more. Just as Sutherland was a gym rat crawling around Adolph Rupp’s early practices, Austin frequently sneaked into Ralph Carlisle’s workouts when his family lived only a long jump shot away from Lafayette High School. Like so many Kentucky kids, he couldn’t get enough basketball. Former UK star Pat Riley was his student teacher during his junior year and they spent a lot of time in the gym together. When he wasn’t playing at Southland Park with the whites in the summer, Austin would be at Douglass Park in downtown Lexington, testing himself against the city’s best black players, anything to stay away from home. Before his senior year, his mother and father finally divorced. He was searching for a male authority figure — like this new Lafayette coach who could still play full court, five-on-five with the best player at night at Southland.
Gary Waddell grew up — and up — only a few hundred yards away from the park. He was 6-foot-10 by the summer of 1967 as he prepared for his senior year at Lafayette. He was the tallest player ever in the county, but he never had reached his potential under Herky Rupp, the Lafayette coach Sutherland was replacing. Waddell had a stable family life — he needed direction on the basketball court.
Waddell scored only four points per game as a sophomore and barely averaged 10 points his junior season. He didn’t even make the All-City team. Despite his size, no one considered him a major college basketball prospect.
Until, like Austin, he met Jock Sutherland.
The three were thrilled to find each other.
In Austin, Sutherland saw the best athlete he’d coached since Keller Works at Harrison County. Austin saw a man who cared about him as a person, not just an athlete.
In Waddell, Jock saw a player who was not only taller than anyone he had coached but who had some athletic skills, a soft touch around the basket and an enthusiasm for the game. He also saw a player who was timid and needed work on the fundamentals of playing with his back to the basket.
Waddell saw a coach who immediately believed in him and instilled confidence in him. He was an avid sports page reader. He knew about Sutherland’s success at Harrison County. It meant a lot that a coach with that reputation was interested in him. He was willing to do whatever the coach asked.
Which was a lot.
Jock brought Waddell to the Lafayette gym two or three nights a week that summer. Austin usually went with them.
He didn’t need the work on his game as much as he needed the bonding.
They drilled for a couple of hours each night, without air conditioning, just the three of them, and sometimes a manager. Austin lobbed pass after pass to Waddell. The coach used a football blocking dummy to pound on the big as he turned and maneuvered toward the basket. They repeated the drill over and over. The object was to learn to move his feet without thinking, like an organ player pumping the pedals. Jock told Waddell he could stop when the drill got boring. Waddell never asked to stop. He got bruises on his upper body. The coach’s hands turned raw from holding the grips on the dummy until he got smart and bought a pair of leather gloves for protection. The coach instructed him to keep the ball high when he grabbed a rebound so that smaller players couldn’t snatch it away from him. He made Waddell run up and down the court sideways, again and again, crossing his feet back and forth to improve his agility. And he made him sweat and sweat and sweat.
By the end of the summer, Waddell looked like a different player. He and some other local players were asked to scrimmage with a Kentucky all-star team, matched against 7-foot high school All-American Jim McDaniels, who was headed for Western Kentucky University. Waddell played so well that Eastern Kentucky University coach Guy Strong, who had signed Sutherland’s star Toke Coleman a year earlier, offered the Lafayette center a full scholarship.
Waddell was flattered. It was the first time a college coach had shown interest in him. It wouldn’t be the last.
xxxxxxxxxxx
Jock wanted to buy a house on a corner lot across the street from Southland Park but decided he couldn’t afford the $25,000 asking price. He settled for a $16,000 Tudor just three doors down from the Lafayette campus, which also was expanding. The 1,000-seat gymnasium where Sutherland and his teammates dominated opponents during his senior season had been converted into a library. A new wing, the Harry L. Davis Center, had been added to the complex, housing a 2,800-seat gymnasium, the cafeteria and health and science classes. Sutherland built an office in the equipment cages off the locker room, painting it all red, white and blue, the school’s colors.
A few faculty members remembered him well. Some too well. Thelma Beeler, the drama teacher who had developed such young thespians as Sutherland’s closest friend in high school, Harry Dean Stanton, and Jim “Ernest” Varney, still wouldn’t speak to the coach she knew as Charlie. During his senior year, Sutherland’s girlfriend had a kissing scene in the senior play with the leading man. After basketball practice, Charlie found the two of them doing some extra rehearsing behind the stage curtains. A fight ensued. The leading man performed on opening night with a black eye.
The basketball team had changed, too.
The program may have lost the respect that it once had, but Sutherland wasn’t disappointed with the talent.
Besides Waddell and Austin, the Southland Park regulars included Rick Derrickson, a 6-foot-1 junior guard, who was one of Kentucky’s top baseball pitchers and was already attracting attention of the pro scouts.
Black players brought a dimension to the team that missing when Sutherland played at the school. The first stage of integration went relatively smoothly at the school after Douglass High School was closed in 1963. Lafayette had fewer than 50 black students in 1967, most of them from the rural communities in the county like Fort Springs, Jonesboro, Maddoxtown and Little Georgetown, which were all settled in the 1800s by emancipated slaves. The black players from these unincorporated areas were more like the farm kids Sutherland was used to coaching. They were used to hard work and rarely complained. Several of them played significant roles on the varsity. Senior point guard Mike Livisay, quick and smart, was the son of legendary Douglass High coach and principal Charles Livisay. Juniors Aaron Beatty and Darryl Washington were both also sprinters on the track team. Senior reserve Snake Berry, a 6-foot-2 leaper, could dunk with both hands from a standing position. He was a fearsome shot blocker.
The team lacked only one thing, Sutherland thought.
“These boys don’t have much discipline,” he told the Lexington Herald before practice began in the fall of 1967.
He got a call from Adolph Rupp Sr. the following day.
“Jack, what do you mean your players don’t have much discipline?” Rupp growled. “They played for my son. Of course they have discipline.”
Jock had been scouting opponents for Kentucky for the past couple of seasons — and Rupp always called him “Jack.” Sutherland didn’t want to alienate the Baron. He needed the extra cash. So The Quickest Thinking Coach in America had an answer that kept his part-time scouting job:
“I was misquoted, Coach Rupp. You know those newspaper guys never get anything right. Of course these boys are disciplined.”
They weren’t, though. And he set about changing that right away.
He painted a semicircle, 19 feet, 9 inches from the basket, at both ends of the court. Anyone who shot outside that line ran laps. Anyone who cursed ran laps. Anyone who didn’t hustle ran laps. Anyone who disobeyed a coaching directive was sent home. Anyone.
Jock installed the Mad Dog at Lafayette and continued to tinker with the defense. One day in practice, he used the junior varsity to run the opponents’ offense against his varsity starters.
One of the junior varsity guards had watched the Mad Dog for years. He knew that the defense had a slight flaw in it and if you made a pass at the precise moment, it would lead to an easy basket.
The first time the guard brought the ball up against the varsity defense he made the pass to a teammate who scored easily.
The coach wasn’t pleased.
The next time, the same thing happened.
“I understand that you know how to beat this defense,” the coach said, his voice rising. “Don’t throw that pass.”
The third time the guard initiated play against the defense, he saw his teammate open again. Instinct took over. He threw the pass. The ball hadn’t traveled three feet from his hands when another ball came sailing past his head.
“You sorry … ” Jock yelled. “Get out of my practice.”
The Jayvee guard, Charlie Sutherland Jr., left the gym and walked home. Snooks wasn’t happy. When Jock returned to the house that night, he wasn’t greeted at the door by a basketball coach’s wife.
A player’s mother was waiting for him instead.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Gary Waddell had never begun a season so confident. Sutherland made him the focal point of the offense. The perimeter players were no longer taking shots from anywhere on the court. Austin, in particular, sacrificed his scoring role to make the lob passes into Waddell, the passes he had thrown him hundreds of times that summer. On defense, Waddell’s size allowed the other four players to gamble for steals — if they missed, he was there to back them up. He was also mastering Sutherland’s tip drill. Instead of trying to grab every rebound, he would reach above his foes when an opponent missed a shot and tip the ball to the foul line, where Mike Livisay was usually waiting to start the fast break.
Lafayette won two pre-season games fairly handily and beat McCreary County by 16 points in the season opener.
Next up was Tates Creek. The school was only two years old, but the game became an instant rivalry. Some of the players had gone to junior high school together. Some families still had students in both schools because upperclassmen had been allowed to graduate where they started. To make matters worse for Lafayette, Tates Creek, the new kid on the block, had battered the Generals twice the previous season.
The H.L. Davis Center was overflowing with more than 3,000 fans that night. Lafayette led by as many as five points with just under three minutes to play but Tates Creek scored the final 10 points to defeat its rival for the third straight game.
Sutherland took his team’s collapse as an indication his players needed more conditioning. The next day, he let all of us junior varsity players go home early. After the varsity finished its regular practice, he had a treat for them — the 11-man break. It’s a continuous fast-break drill with the players rotating between offense and defense, from one end of the court to the other and back again. And again. And again. They would run it until they were perfect, not a bad pass or missed shot.
The more they ran, the more difficult it was not to make a mistake.
Sutherland missed his regular 6:30 p.m. dinner with Snooks and the boys. The players were still running at 7. At 7:30, at about quarter past eight, Sutherland ended the drill.
Dinner was cold when he got home. He wasn’t hungry anyway. Basketball had become an all-consuming job. During the season he never stopped thinking about the game. He was determined to return his alma mater to its former prominence. He wanted to take Lafayette to that state championship that had eluded him his senior season and in his four previous trips to The Sweet Sixteen at Gallatin County and Harrison County. He knew he had more talent on this team than any other he had coached.. If only he had begun working with them sooner. He had to make up for lost time.
Lafayette won its next five games before the Christmas break, then headed to the Ashland Invitational Tournament, where another outstanding field awaited. In the opener, Waddell outplayed Russell High’s 6-foot-8 All-Stater Tom Roberts. But in the semifinals, Covington Catholic’s 6-foot-9 twin towers, Randy Noll and Joe Voskuhl, were too much to overcome. That put the Generals in the consolation game against host Ashland, which also lost in the semifinals.
Jock had already developed quite a reputation among the Ashland fans. One year, he got so upset during a game that he got off the bench, stormed out a gym door that locked behind him, and had to pay his way back in. In December of 1965, his Harrison County players created a ruckus when they jumped into the school’s indoor swimming pool after routing the home team in the semifinals. So far this year, he had behaved himself. So far.
But late in the third quarter against Ashland, with Lafayette already leading by 20 points, junior Aaron Beatty got the ball on a fast break and instead of driving to the basket, he stopped well beyond that arc of 19 feet, nine inches, that Sutherland had painted on the team’s home court, and unleashed an errant jump shot.
The coach jumped out of his seat. Then he stunned Waddell, Austin and the others as he left the bench and started walking out of the gym. At least Jock had learned his lesson. Instead of heading toward the doors leading to the outside, he strutted into the lobby. A few minutes later, he returned with doughnut and coffee in hand. He then sat in the stands, watching the rest of the game from the bleachers.
The Ashland fans thought he was mocking them after Lafayette won 74- 52 to take the third-place trophy.
Jock said he was just hungry.
His team got the message. You never let up.
The Generals won their next two games by more than 30 points, then edged longtime city rival Henry Clay 70-68 in front of more than 7,000 fans at the University of Kentucky’s Memorial Coliseum.
Lafayette won three more in a row, but the winning streak almost ended there when highly-ranked Clark County High School came to Lexington on Jan. 26, 1968. For three quarters, nothing went right for the home team. Nothing. Jock started to walk out of the gym, another disappearing act. But it was really cold outside. As he returned, he saw an 11-year-old boy seated near the end of the bench, blowing a three-foot-long plastic horn. Sutherland walked up to the boy, snatched the horn away from him and started to blow. Not a note came out. He tried again. Still no sound. Disgusted, he tossed the horn down. The boy, Scott Warner, my younger brother who would play for Sutherland four years later, retrieved it before it rolled onto the court.
But the Lafayette players must have heard their coach’s clarion call anyway.
At the beginning of the fourth quarter, Clark County led by 16 points. Then the Mad Dog finally got loose. One steal, then another, then another. Momentum is such a fluid thing among 16- and 17-year-old athletes. You can have it one moment, and then it’s gone. The Lafayette gymnasium suddenly began rocking. The Clark County lead slipped to 10, 8, 6 … and finally, the game was tied at 66-66 with eight seconds to play.
Lafayette had the ball. Sutherland called time out. Guard Mike Livisay had been the hot shooter during the stirring rally. And Waddell, of course, was the team’s top scoring threat. Austin was the team’s No. 2 scorer, but he was having an off night, making only five of his first 15 attempts.
Who would get the last shot?
In the huddle, Sutherland called the play.
“Greg,” he said, “I want you to take it.”
On the in-bounds play, Austin broke from his position on the wing, ran his defender off a pick near the free-throw line, then arched the ball high from about 17 feet.
The shot clanked off the rim.
Overtime.
Sutherland wasn’t upset. “We’ll get ’em,” he said, patting Austin on the back.
With less than a minute to play in the extra period and Lafayette clinging to a 73-72 lead, Austin sank a free throw to put the home team ahead by two, then stole the in-bounds pass, setting up a final score for Lafayette’s 76-72 victory, improving its record to 16-2.
Austin failed to make that winning shot, but of all his athletic accomplishments, he still says that nothing had meant any more to him than the confidence his coach showed in him in those final moments of regulation. It was as if the father who was rarely there for him had told him, “I believe in you, son.”
xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Maybe this was the team. Maybe this was the year. The Generals had size, speed, experience and athleticism. They were thriving in Sutherland’s system. Waddell was no longer milquetoast in the middle. He was averaging more than 20 points and 10 rebounds per game. A lot more colleges were noticing. Tennessee, North Carolina, Florida, Auburn, Wake Forest, Alabama … almost every school in the south, save one, seemed intensely interested. Kentucky assistant Joe B. Hall showed up at a few Lafayette games, but Waddell knew that his hometown team wouldn’t offer him a scholarship, not after what happened to Coach Rupp’s son at Lafayette. Waddell didn’t mind. It was tough enough to play for Rupp. You didn’t want to be the player from a school he had a grudge against.
Lafayette’s winning streak reached 10 before the Generals got a rematch with Tates Creek. Different gym. Same result. Tates Creek won 82-75.
The next day, the players expected another round of running. Instead, Jock told them there would be no practice. They would just watch film of the previous night’s defeat. That would be easy, Waddell and Austin remember. On their bodies, maybe, but not on their minds. Every time the film showed any mistake, Jock whacked the side of the projector with a stick. A bad pass. Wham! Poor shot selection. Wham! Didn’t switch men on defense. Wham! Wham!
Again, they got the message.
Lafayette won its next four games to improve its record to 21-3. The Generals were again among the state’s elite teams, ranked No. 5 in the Associated Press Poll. Their next game was against the new No. 1 team, Louisville Shawnee, and its monster junior center, 7-foot Tom Payne. Anticipation for this match between perhaps the state’s two best big men had been building for a couple of weeks.
It didn’t happen.
Waddell twisted his ankle late in the game against Louisville Ahrens, the team’s final test before Shawnee.
The injury was worse than he first thought. The next day, he couldn’t put any weight on it at all. The doctor ruled him out for the final game of the regular season. With no one to neutralize Payne, Sutherland didn’t think his team had a chance. He tried a stall at the start of the game and it worked for a few minutes as Lafayette strolled to a 12-3 early lead. But the Generals also lost starting guard Rick Derrickson with an ankle injury and the lead quickly vanished. Payne didn’t need to do much on offense, scoring only eight points. He dominated the inside defensively, and his teammates took care of the rest as they sprinted to a 70-49 triumph.
A few days later, Charlie Sutherland Jr. recognized the look on his father’s face. Usually he saw it after a devastating loss, like to Bourbon County in the 10th Region tournament in 1963 or to Shelby County in The Sweet Sixteen in 1966. But this time he saw it before a game, before Lafayette played 10th-ranked Henry Clay in the opening game of the 43rd District Tournament. Just over a week ago, Sutherland thought he had the best chance he’d ever had to win the state tournament. But now, Waddell had missed almost 10 days of practice. He would play against Henry Clay, but how effective could he be. Derrickson, too, was still not a full strength. Henry Clay was now the only high school in the city of Lexington. Dunbar was closed the year before, and most of its best players had been relocated there. The first Lafayette-Henry Clay game that season was a classic, but Sutherland’s team was a full strength. But with his big center still ailing …
Waddell didn’t come out firing blanks. He sank his first three shots. He looked a little tired after that, but Lafayette still held a 46-44 lead late in the third quarter. Then Sutherland’s hopes for returning to his school to The Sweet Sixteen were gone in a flash. Henry Clay scored 14 straight points. The final score: Henry Clay 71, Lafayette 62. Jock’s first season back at his alma mater was done.
A few weeks later, after he watched Glasgow High win the 1968 state championship, Sutherland felt better about the season. Back at school, he walked out the gym’s back door, into a little alley between the basketball arena and the baseball field. There’s nothing quite like a warm spring day in Kentucky and this one seemed particularly special. He thought about what he had accomplished … a 21-5 record … not bad for a program that had been down for several years. He had transformed Waddell into a first-team All-State player who received a scholarship to play at Florida. Austin got a basketball scholarship to Auburn. Regulars Derrickson, Beatty and Washington would return the next season. Six-foot-7 junior Howard Jackson showed a lot of potential. If Jock worked with him over the summer like he had with Waddell …
Then he looked up. He remembers seeing his pal C.M. Newton, his former fraternity brother at UK, walking toward him from the street in front of the high school.
“Hey, boy, what’s up?” Jock yelled at him.
Newton walked closer.
“I’ve just been named the new head basketball coach at Alabama,” Newton said. “I want you to come with me as an assistant coach.”
A chance to coach in the Southeastern Conference against teams like Kentucky, LSU and Tennessee. Yet it meant leaving the school he’d worked a decade to get back to, abandoning his mission to win a state championship at his alma mater.
The Quickest Thinking Coach in America didn’t have an immediate reply.
“You’re throwing something at me,” Jock said. “I’m going to have to think it over.”
“Don’t take long,” Newton said. “We’ve got to start recruiting immediately. We’re already behind.”
Again, Sutherland took a family vote. And it was unanimous — take the Alabama job. But he needed to talk with one person — Guy Potts, the superintendent of the Fayette County schools. Jock walked to the Board of Education offices, which were adjacent to Lafayette High School.
“You brought me here,” he told Potts. “I’ll do whatever you recommend.”
“I think you should go,” Potts said. “This is your goal, your dream.”
He paused for a moment.
“But for some reason, I think you might be back someday,” Potts said. “And the Lafayette job will be here for you if you want it again.”
Criminal protesters on the left, freedom fighters on the right (always on the right)
By Al Incognito (and ChatGPT)
In his previous life, President Donald Trump was a developer, constructing tall buildings that drove him into bankruptcy. Now he’s bringing his talents to renovating the First Amendment.
Not a minor remake, mind you. No new coat of paint. We’re talking about a full-scale gut job. Walls are being knocked down. The plumbing is being ripped out. The free speech wing? Condemned. The protest clause? Bulldozed. The new blueprint? If you’re protesting something President Trump doesn’t like, you’re out. If you’re protesting something he does like, congratulations, you’re an American hero.
This morning, Trump issued an edict on Truth Social. (We can’t say for certain whether this was before or after his constitutional on the throne in the state secrets reading room at Mar-a-lago.)
The former president—now president again (because democracy is quirky like that)—has declared that federal funding for any college, school or university that “allows illegal protests” will be revoked. “Agitators,” as he calls them, will be thrown in jail or deported. American students? Expelled. Arrested. Packaged up like Amazon returns. (More profits for Jeff Bezos.)
And he warned in capital letters, “NO MASKS.”
Why no masks? Because in Trump’s America, the only thing worse than an illegal protest is an illegal protester with good respiratory health.
Now, if you’re wondering what qualifies as an “illegal protest,” the answer is simple: It’s whatever Trump says it is.
Storming the U.S. Capitol and smashing windows while chanting about hanging the vice president? Not an illegal protest. That’s a patriotic gathering of misunderstood folks who just love their country with a little too much enthusiasm. But students holding up signs demanding social justice in Gaza? Anarchy. Treason. Grounds for exile.
The irony is rich, of course. Trump, who built much of his political persona around the idea of resisting the so-called “deep state,” now positions himself as the enforcer of federal obedience. The man who celebrated trucker protests in Canada and hailed Capitol rioters as heroes now wants to make sure no one rocks the boat—unless it’s in the direction he likes.
But Trump’s crackdown isn’t just limited to protesters. He’s taking the same approach to our neighbors. Today, Canadians and Mexicans are learning that when you don’t play by Trump’s rules, we’re going to make our citizens pay more for Molson’s and Modelo. Free trade? That was so pre-2016. Now it’s all about tribute and tariffs. If allies want access to the American market, they better bend the knee. Otherwise, they’ll be slapped with penalties faster than a protester at a college rally.
And if you think Trump is only targeting students and trade partners, just ask Volodymyr Zelensky what happens when you don’t wear a suit to the White House. The Ukrainian president has spent years trying to defend his country from a Russian invasion, only to be mocked and dismissed by Trump, who has repeatedly called him “weak” and suggested he should just cut a deal with Putin.
Apparently, fighting for democracy isn’t enough to earn Trump’s respect. Maybe Zelensky should have stormed his own parliament, broken a few windows and taken a dump in an MP’s office. Trump would have called him a freedom fighter and issued him a pardon.
The message is clear: standing up to Trump—or his allies—gets you nothing. Kowtowing, on the other hand? That’s the ticket.
Some of us disagree (we’re not protesting, mind you, we’re too old for jail) with Trump’s tactics. We liken them to Vladimir Putin’s Russia. Certainly, it seems Trump is mimicking Putin’s playbook: control the narrative, criminalize opposition and redefine who counts as a patriot. Political opponents are labeled as foreign agents. Protesters are jailed under vague “extremism” laws. Free speech is a privilege, not a right, and it’s only granted to those who toe the party line.
But we’re wrong. That’s not Russia. That’s the Soviet Union.
Is that where you want to live? (At least eggs were cheap.)
Actions taken by the Trump administration in 2025 and the policy recommendations outlined in Project 2025: Mandate for Leadership, compiled by ChatGPT using “All of the Trump Administration’s Major Moves” and “Project 2025: Mandate for Leadership,” a 900-page document compiled by dozens of Trump loyalists through the Heritage Foundation.
1.Federal Workforce Reduction
Trump Administration Action:
Ordered mass firings at the Pentagon, laying off 5,400 civilian workers.
Directed plans for large-scale federal workforce cuts, expanding Elon Musk’s authority over hiring decisions.
Laid off thousands of employees across multiple agencies, including the IRS, Education Department, and USAID.
Project 2025 Recommendation:
Advocates for reducing the size of the federal government and curbing the administrative state.
Calls for appointing personnel aligned with conservative values to implement these reductions.
Source: Chapter 18, Dept. of Labor and Related Agencies
2.Restructuring USAID
Trump Administration Action:
Fired thousands of USAID employees and moved to dismantle the agency.
Put Secretary of State Marco Rubio in charge of USAID, signaling a shift in its mission.
Project 2025 Recommendation:
Criticizes USAID as an overly bureaucratic agency that should be restructured or eliminated
Source: Chapter 9, Agency for International Development.
3. Rolling Back Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion Initiatives
Trump Administration Action:
Ordered the removal of pronouns from federal employee email signatures.
Ended race-based programs in education.
Project 2025 Recommendation:
Calls for dismantling DEI programs across government institutions and schools.
Source: Chapter 18, Department of Labor and Related Agencies
4. Immigration and Border Policy
Trump Administration Action:
Revoked deportation protections for Venezuelans.
Transported migrants to Guantánamo Bay.
Project 2025 Recommendation:
Advocates for stricter border security and detention policies.
Source: Chapter 5, Department of Homeland Security
5. Trade and Tariffs
Trump Administration Action:
Imposed 25% tariffs on steel and aluminum.
Announced new “reciprocal” tariffs based on foreign trade practices.
Project 2025 Recommendation:
Calls for aggressive trade policies to counter foreign economic threats.
Source: Chapter 26, Trade
6. Health Policy Changes
Trump Administration Action:
Blocked funds for biomedical research.
Ordered the Health Department to scrutinize vaccine schedules and psychiatric medications.
Project 2025 Recommendation:
Calls for re-evaluating funding for health programs, particularly those linked to progressive policies.
Source: Chapter 14, Department of Health and Human Services
7. Reshaping the Intelligence Community and Law Enforcement
Trump Administration Action:
Planned a purge of FBI employees involved in January 6 investigations.
Appointed a right-wing commentator as FBI deputy director.
Project 2025 Recommendation:
Suggests replacing FBI and intelligence officials with personnel aligned with conservative priorities.
Source: Chapter 5, Department of Homeland Security
8. Judiciary and DOJ Restructuring
Trump Administration Action:
Purged FBI officials involved in January 6 investigations.
Appointed a right-wing commentator as FBI deputy director.
Project 2025 Recommendation:
Calls for eliminating “politicized” officials in the FBI and DOJ, particularly those associated with previous investigations into Trump.
Source: Chapter 17, Department of Justice
9. Government Overhaul and Presidential Power Expansion
Trump Administration Action:
Issued an executive order expanding presidential control over independent agencies.
Project 2025 Recommendation:
Proposes increasing presidential power over executive agencies, reducing the independence of institutions like the Federal Reserve and FTC.
Source: Chapter 2, Executive Office of the President
10.Climate and Energy Policy
Trump Administration Action:
Approved oil drilling in protected areas.
Withdrew from international climate agreements.
Project 2025 Recommendation:
Advocates for revoking Biden-era climate policies and reinstating Trump’s energy dominance agenda.
Source: Chapter 12, Department of Energy and EPA
11.Foreign Policy and National Security
Trump Administration Action:
Opposed a U.N. resolution demanding Russian withdrawal from Ukraine.
Resumed high-level talks with Russia without Ukraine’s participation.
Project 2025 Recommendation:
Calls for shifting focus away from Ukraine and prioritizing U.S. interests over foreign alliances.
Source: Chapter 6, Department of State
12.Education and Cultural Policies
Trump Administration Action:
Issued guidance recognizing only two sexes.
Threatened to cut federal funding for schools with race-based DEI programs.
Project 2025 Recommendation:
Proposes rolling back gender identity policies and ending race-conscious education initiatives.
Source: Chapter 11, Department of Education
13. Election and Voting Policies
Trump Administration Action:
Ordered a review of election security efforts and reassigned officials involved in investigating foreign interference.
Project 2025 Recommendation:
Calls for tightening election security measures and eliminating federal oversight that could be perceived as undermining state-controlled election processes.
Source: Chapter 29, Federal Election Commission
14. Defense and Military
Trump Administration Action:
Ordered the Pentagon to plan 8% budget cuts over the next five years.
Reinstated service members dismissed for refusing the COVID vaccine.
Project 2025 Recommendation:
Advocates for a leaner, more strategically focused military with reduced bureaucracy.
Calls for eliminating “woke” policies, including vaccine mandates for service members.
Source: Chapter 4, Department of Defense
15. Gender and Social Policies
Trump Administration Action:
Restricted gender-affirming treatments for minors.
Moved toward pushing transgender individuals out of the military.
Project 2025 Recommendation:
Supports policies that define gender as strictly male or female and eliminate federal support for gender-affirming medical care.
Source: Chapter 14, DHHS
16.Foreign Aid and Global Engagement
Trump Administration Action:
Froze foreign aid payments.
Halted global mine-clearing programs.
Project 2025 Recommendation:
Calls for cutting back on foreign aid, particularly to programs it deems wasteful or contrary to U.S. interests.
Source: Chapter 9, Agency for International Development
17. Government Workforce Overhaul
Trump Administration Action:
Encouraged millions of federal workers to resign in exchange for continued pay.
Laid off thousands of employees across multiple agencies.
Project 2025 Recommendation:
Calls for dramatically reducing the federal workforce and replacing civil servants with political appointees who align with the administration’s priorities.
Source: Chapter 18, Department of Labor and Related Agencies
18. Education Policy
Trump Administration Action:
Sought to expand access to private school vouchers.
•. Project 2025 Recommendation:
Supports increasing school choice programs and promoting voucher systems as an alternative to public education.
Source: Chapter 11, Department of Education
19.Federal Regulatory Power
Trump Administration Action:
Ordered an executive review of independent agencies, asserting presidential authority over their spending.
Project 2025 Recommendation:
Calls for curbing the power of independent federal agencies and consolidating control under the executive branch.
20. Overhauling the National Labor Relations Board (NLRB)
Trump Administration Action:
Issued an executive order limiting the enforcement power of the National Labor Relations Board (NLRB) and expanding right-to-work protections.
Project 2025 Recommendation:
Calls for restructuring the NLRB to limit its authority, reduce regulatory burdens on businesses, and shift power away from unions.
Source: Chapter 18, Department of Labor and Related Agencies
The Impact So Far
As of February 26, 2025, the Trump administration has implemented several policies aligned with the Project 2025: Mandate for Leadership blueprint. While it’s early to fully assess their long-term impacts, initial observations indicate notable effects in various sectors:
1. Economic and Consumer Confidence
Recent data shows a significant decline in consumer confidence, with the index dropping to its lowest point in eight months. This downturn is largely attributed to concerns over potential inflationary pressures stemming from the administration’s policies, including proposed tariffs and budget cuts. Such apprehensions suggest that these economic strategies may be contributing to public uncertainty and market volatility. reuters.com
2. Research and Development (R&D) Funding
The administration’s decision to reduce funding for federal research institutions, such as the National Institutes of Health and the National Science Foundation, has raised concerns about the future of American innovation. Experts warn that these cutbacks could hinder scientific progress and diminish the nation’s competitive edge in technology and healthcare sectors. ft.com
3. Healthcare and Social Services
A narrowly passed budget proposal includes significant cuts to Medicaid, totaling approximately $800 billion. This reduction could potentially impact millions of low-income individuals who rely on Medicaid for healthcare services. Additionally, the proposal outlines $2 trillion in spending reductions over the next decade, which may affect various social programs. theguardian.com
4. Deregulation and Executive Authority
The issuance of an executive order titled “Ensuring Lawful Governance and Implementing the President’s ‘Department of Government Efficiency’ Deregulatory Initiative” aims to rescind or modify existing regulations. This move is intended to reduce bureaucratic oversight but has sparked debate over potential risks to public health, safety, and environmental protections. skadden.com
5. Public Opinion and Political Climate
Public sentiment appears divided regarding these policy changes. While a significant portion of Republican supporters express optimism about the administration’s direction, a substantial number of Democrats anticipate negative outcomes. This polarization reflects broader debates about the potential benefits and drawbacks of the current policy trajectory. pewresearch.org
In summary, the initial implementation of policies aligned with Project 2025 has led to measurable shifts in economic indicators, funding priorities, and public opinion. Ongoing analysis will be essential to fully understand the long-term consequences of these actions across various sectors.
When I first sat down to read Project 2025 last summer, I thought, this must be what hell feels like.
Not the fire-and-brimstone kind of hell, but a bureaucratic hell – the kind where you’re trapped in a DMV line forever, forced to listen to a Heritage Foundation intern explain why civil service protections are an existential threat to freedom.
But I kept reading. And somewhere around the section on dismantling the Justice Department, I realized something:
This wasn’t just another white paper. It was a roadmap for a hostile takeover. A 900-page manifesto detailing how to replace independent government agencies with political enforcers. How to fire thousands of career civil servants and stack the courts with ideological warriors. How to rewrite the rulebook so the next Republican president (Trump or otherwise) wouldn’t just hold power – but keep it permanently.
I tried to sound the alarm as did so many others.
I used an AI writing assistant to try to make sense of the document’s mud-thick prose, summarizing nearly 20 chapters of slop. I published each summary on several social media platforms. I sent them to every journalist I knew.
And very few cared.
Maybe because Donald Trump said he “knew nothing about it.”
And like so many times before, people believed him.
We Should Have Seen This Coming
I mean, it’s not like we haven’t seen this playbook before. The slow erosion of rights disguised as “law and order” or “government reform.”
I was finishing a six-mile run in Akron’s Highland Square when a police cruiser screeched onto the sidewalk and pinned me against a chain-link fence. The officer jumped out, hand on his holster.
“We got a report that a Puerto Rican man robbed a store near here,” he said. “You fit the description.”
Right. Because the description was “Hispanic-looking guy.” Never mind that I was shirtless, drenched in sweat, and wearing nothing but running shorts and sneakers.
“Where would I have put the loot,” I joked.
He was not amused.
The officer demanded my ID. I had none. No pockets, remember?
Then I spotted something. A newspaper box on the street corner – back when we still had those. And right there, on the front page of the Akron Beacon Journal, was my face touting my daily column.
“I don’t have ID,” I told him, pointing. “But that’s my picture. Right there.”
The cop stared at the newspaper boxr. Stared at me. Back at the box.
He sighed. Then chuckled and called his dispatcher. “My mistake. I caught a columnist, not a crook.”
If that had happened today – under the kind of Project 2025-style immigration crackdowns some states are already adopting – would I have gotten off so easily?
Would I have been detained, forced to “prove” my citizenship because some cop thought a man with my dark features should come with a green card?
That’s the thing about these policies. They sound like they’re about “security” or “efficiency”—but what they’re really about is power. Who has it. Who loses it. And who gets to decide what “American” looks like.
We Laughed. They Didn’t.
I used to joke about Project 2025.
I wrote headlines like “Think Trump Was Tough on Immigration Last Time? Hold His Beer.” Thought maybe, just maybe, people would pay attention if I added some punchlines to the political apocalypse.
I should’ve known better.
Because here’s the thing: The people behind this plan weren’t joking.
They were dead serious when they proposed firing up to 50,000 civil servants and replacing them with political loyalists.
They were dead serious about abolishing the DOJ’s independence so career prosecutors couldn’t investigate their friends.
They were dead serious about reshaping the federal courts so that no law – not voting rights, not reproductive rights, not even the ability of government to regulate pollution – would stand in their way.
This wasn’t just a wishlist. It was a step-by-step guide to one-party rule.
Remember that one? The mayor of Hudson, Ohio, stood up at a city council meeting and warned that allowing ice-fishing shanties could lead to prostitution.
I and others mocked him mercilessly. Hudson became a national punchline.
And yet… wasn’t that the same town where school board members got death threats because they refused to ban books?
Wasn’t that the same town where officials tried to silence a Black veteran for talking about the origins of Memorial Day?
We laughed at the shanty-town sex panic.
Meanwhile, incidents like these in Hudson kept becoming a testing ground for America’s next wave of manufactured culture wars.
And now, with America already badly bloodied by of these battles, the next phase of the playbook is unfolding in real-time.
The Man Behind the Curtain
Shockingly we saw behind the Project 2025 curtain this week when Trump blamed DEI for the tragic crash between an Army helicopter and an American Airlines passenger jet. (Some conservatives like to mock the acronym for diversity, equity and inclusion as DIE. Funny folks.)
This scapegoating isn’t just a spur-of-the-moment reaction; it aligns seamlessly with the objectives outlined in Project 2025. This conservative blueprint advocates for dismantling DEI programs across federal agencies, arguing that such initiatives are wasteful and promote undesired preferential treatment. The plan calls for terminating DEI-related positions and eliminating funding for programs that promote diversity and inclusion.
By attributing the plane crash to DEI efforts, President Trump is not only deflecting blame but also reinforcing the Project 2025 agenda. This narrative serves to justify the administration’s aggressive rollback of DEI programs, framing them as not only unnecessary but also potentially dangerous.
It’s crucial to recognize that such claims lack substantiation. Experts have pointed out that there is no evidence linking DEI initiatives to compromised safety within the FAA or any other agency.
The president’s assertions appear to be a strategic move to further a political agenda rather than a reflection of factual circumstances.
In essence, the president’s response to the tragedy is a calculated effort to advance the Project 2025 vision, using a national disaster to undermine DEI efforts and reshape federal policies in line with a conservative framework.
So no, Trump didn’t need to read Project 2025 because it was written for him—and for anyone else willing to wield it.
I just wish now that I had tried even harder to get folks to read about it last summer. Because the people behind this plan were counting on one thing: The American public wouldn’t pay attention until it was too late.
Sadly, they were probably right.
Stuart Warner is a former columnist for the Akron Beacon Journal and Phoenix New Times. He was a senior editor for more than three decades in Akron, Phoenix, Cleveland, Seattle and Lexington, Ky.